Heartsease

I do not use two thumbs when I text. I usually just hold my phone and use one thumb. If I attempt to text quickly, I'll usually have lots of typos. Most of my typos are corrected before I really notice. It's nifty that I do not have to capitalize or pause to place apostrophes. Sometimes, however, auto correct chooses the wrong word.

I was responding to a text today and meant to type the word heartache. My typo caused the phone to change the word to heartsease. I had never heard of this word before, but I paused. I sensed its importance, so I looked up the definition: peace of mind, calmness, tranquility, serenity. It is what God promises us - to truly ease our troubled hearts. He promises that in the face of all of the heartache and in the midst of the brokenness. He is our heartsease. And His Word echoes our love story and all the ways He woos us, draws us to Himself. But, I think sometimes the heartaches of this life cause of to question our True Love. Sometimes we don't want to accept certain circumstances. Sometimes our pain can cause us to lose sight of the fact that God hems us in, He goes before us, and He is in the midst of it with us.

It may not be what we had hoped. It may not be the way that we envisioned. But, never doubt that God  uses it all. And it's in the abiding that we learn trust. It's in the abiding that we let go and let Him ease our hearts. It's in the abiding that our heart's desire always points back to Him.

Starting Over

I am somewhat of an enigma in that I can be very spontaneous and outgoing, but at my core I cherish consistency. I went back to this post early this morning.

I needed to reread it to remind myself that over 6 months ago I vowed to trust God with where He was leading me. He has led, and I have followed. His Word is full of His promises repeating over and over again. And I need to hear them over and over again because the voices from my past tend to want to drown them out - voices of careless Christians who damaged me. After all, I had enough issues accepting God's grace at first. I didn't need others to solidify the sentiment that I was worthless. I know that God used the ugly in all those situations to cause growth in my life. For that, I am grateful. 

I remember a few years ago, sitting in a meeting of another church where the pastor, upon trying to impress new members, had asked the current members what brought them to this particular church and what kept them there. Every single person answered with a variation of "people and programs" and after the initial shock wore off, I was so disappointed. Sure, people and programs may initially bring someone to a church, but that shouldn't be the reason to stay. People and programs change. There has to be something more, right? The response I kept waiting for was, "God brought me to this church. I was called here at this specific time and for a purpose."

So, I have been trying to put myself out there {which is always hard for me}. I have tried to get to know people, and I have tried to attend different studies. And I know it will take time, because in many respects, it is like starting over. Yesterday, I walked into the sanctuary a few minutes before church. I looked around and didn't see anyone I knew. I think I actually started to panic {I realize that sounds ridiculous, but it's true}. I turned around and walked outside. I pretended to read the bulletin board as I seriously considered leaving. Leaving is always easy, but a breath prayer later and I had turned around and found an empty pew in the back. Then, there it was in the sermon: We aren't perfect. Yes, we have problems, but we address them. We are family. So it is with the communion of the broken. And something in me is relieved at the open acknowledgement for the overwhelming need for grace.

And it's not about people or programs. I am here for a reason. It will take time, this starting over. But, as long as I have breath, this is my call: to be obedient wherever He leads. And all of those ugly experiences of my past have helped me to see the incomparable beauty in the following, in the act of obedience {even when my initial response feels uncertain}. 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

Five Years Ago...

Five years ago today my sweet grandpa went to his eternal home. It was over four and a half years after his beloved bride. I never thought he'd make it so long, honestly. I was convinced that a broken heart would usher him heavenward in his sleep that first long and lonely year. Yet, it didn't. He would say that he didn't know why he had to stick around, but that there must have been things he still needed to do.

I know that in caring for him those last years, I learned so much. I learned that even after a life of sacrificing for others, he still had a hard time letting anyone do anything for him. I learned that sometimes you just had to do it anyway :) I learned how to be persistent with someone who could be stubborn (like as the day is long!). I learned to be an advocate, even if he didn't want me to be. I learned that sometimes you have to stand up to those you love because it's the right thing to do ("I know you don't like doctors or hospitals, but we NEED to go. Now."). I learned to sit contently and listen. I learned to never underestimate laughter. Ever. And I learned by watching that when we are really heartsick, the best and only thing to do is to hold on to Jesus and the hope that he gives. 

He had made it through his hip surgery. And I exhaled for the first time in days. We had stayed late into the night making sure he was settled. I brushed his gray hair off his forehead and gave him a kiss. I told him that I would see him tomorrow. He passed away near 3 AM. I learned that tomorrows aren't a given (even when we think they are), so make the best of each day. 

I held his watch today. The second hand still ticks 157 million seconds later and counting. Tonight, I am thinking about wonderful memories of my grandfather. The second hand reminds me that I am that much closer to heaven, too. And, as I listen to one of his favorite hymns, Rock of Ages, I can picture him singing, "When I rise to worlds unknown, and behold Thee on Thy throne, Rock of Ages, cleft for me, and let me hide myself in Thee." 

{I thought I'd share this picture. I adore it so. It was taken at my grandpa's retirement party, I believe. In the corner of the picture is me. I am sitting in my little rocking chair right in the middle of everything. That is what I remember: being enveloped by them. And I am loved. And I was truly happy.}

Adversity

Adversity. It isn't a topic that many people care to dwell on, yet I have been pondering it. In my quiet time, I came upon Proverbs 17:17. It is fairly well-known: "A friend loves at all times." But wait, that's not the end of it. The verse goes on to say, "and is born, as is a brother, for adversity." I read the words over and over again, letting them sink in. A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity. And I thought about how often we dismiss the well-known verses, or just take parts of scripture, possibly out of context, for our own purposes {but that's a post for another day :) }

The word 'friend' is used so flippantly nowadays. We have hundreds of friends on Facebook and other social media outlets. Unfortunately, many of these so-called friends are merely acquaintances, but we confuse the two. And there are also those who may be closer than simple acquaintances, but they are only interested (able?) to walk the path with us as long as everything is sunshiny and happy. But, there are friends that are to be family to us, especially in times of adversity. God bore them for us.

What is adversity exactly? Adversity is a state, condition, or instance of serious or continued difficulty. Some synonyms are distress, disaster, calamity, hardship. Adversity is serious business, and to some extent we all will experience it to varying degrees.

But it can be so complicated, really. And who wants to see me all broken and soul laid bare? Who really wants to continue speaking God's truths tenderly to me when I am all crazy with hurt? Who wants to help uphold me when I unable for it is all heavy? It's simple, God's family does. For some reason, however, it can be so daunting to allow others to be the family that we so desperately need. And then I see it on the page from the very next chapter in Proverbs: "A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment. A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart." (Proverbs 18:1-2)

Oh, how I have been a fool in the past. I have wallowed instead of reached out; I have lied instead of sharing when asked; I have isolated myself instead of allowing God's people to minister to me. I have even been annoyed at people who attempted to reach out to me, convincing myself that they really didn't care and couldn't understand. I missed the whole point of community! And by doing these things, I made everything so much worse. I ended up holding onto the pain and letting my thoughts become so skewed. Because it has to be both ways, doesn't it? We have to be family to others and allow others to be family to us. Oh, and it is a broken family and we love with an imperfect love, but the patriarch of our family is the Father of all grace. And that's enough to cover us as we walk hand-in-hand down the roads of adversity.

Settling...

Everyone had left for the day. I sat in my office and went through paperwork, cleared out old messages, and added items to my to-do list. Eventually, I noticed that it was completely quiet; my playlist had come to an end. I glanced up to see what time it was as it is often hard to gauge the time from my vantage point. Beige upon beige, muted grays, varying shades of brown, and  muddy blues are the prevalent color scheme. The fluorescent lights cast an artificial glow. And it can all feel artificial at times. Lifeless. It can feel as if there is this impenetrable shell we have constructed to protect us, even from God himself. And we go through the motions never stopping to see, never realizing that we are made to reach out. To reach out beyond ourselves and the lives that we have made so very small by filling them with such big things that are ultimately meaningless.

And God isn't the one with the drab palette. But, we have settled for it all too often. I breathe deep, move my chair aside, and push open the dingy, off-white blinds that keep the sun out. I am caught off guard by a brilliant blue sky {our summer skies are usually smog-filled} and lush green trees that sway in the gentle wind. And all I want is His rushing wind. All I want is to surrender those places where I've kept the Son out. I want more of Jesus. That is all.

The Legacy of a Bastard

Technically my parents were married when I was born, but they divorced before my first birthday. I don't really remember a time without my grandparents; they were a constant source of stability in my life. I knew I had a dad, but he was almost nonexistent. I would see him on Christmas Eve. I can remember being traumatized as a little girl because at one particular holiday gathering with the paternal side of my family I couldn't remember which man was "Daddy Mike".

And growing up, I didn't feel the void. After all, I had my grandpa. Years went by and my dad remarried. He attempted, at the prompting of his new wife, to develop a relationship with my brother and I when we were preteens. I remember him addressing his absenteeism so nonchalantly, as he said, "I didn't want to complicate the matter. I didn't want it to be confusing. I thought you would be better off." And even at 12, I could see how flimsy those excuses were. I could see how it was complicated for him, and he thought he would be better off. I felt such sadness for him.

I would be lying if I said that this whole thing didn't negatively impact my life. It did. I have falsely projected my daddy issues onto God. I had trouble understanding His love, which is unconditional. I struggled with feeling accepted. But, through it all - through the wrestling with God and with my own heart - I have come to know of His grace. I have come to know what it means to be loved as a daughter. A daughter who is wanted.

We are all illegitimate, aren't we? But, God sent Jesus to redeem us, that we might be adopted as His. And not just adopted, but we are heirs and God is our Abba (Father). We don't have to try to earn God's favor (we can't). We don't have to worry that He will abandon us when it's complicated (He will NEVER leave us).

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 68:5-6a: Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.

And, indeed He has placed me in families. On this Father's Day, I remember my grandfather, who went to heaven five years ago this week. I thank God for him and for all of the other Jesus-loving men who have helped encourage me and have had a profound impact on my life.

Moreover, today I am thankful for my Heavenly Father (more than words could ever express). My legacy is who I am in Him. With God's help, I will love others because God loved first. And, although imperfect, I will spill that grace daily because He lavished it unto me.

Philippians 4:7

My husband had asked for the last three days off from work. Originally, he had planned to spend a day shadowing a possible new job. This, however, didn't pan out. But, I tried to make the best of it. Our eighteenth anniversary is just around the corner, so I tried to squeeze in some extra time with him. We went out to eat one afternoon and did all of our errands. Then, last night {a school night even!} we went to see 'Snow White and the Huntsman'. We had both expressed interest in seeing it, which is a miracle in and of itself since we rarely agree on movies =)

Anyway, at the close of the movie (and in line with the fairy tale), the evil Queen Ravenna attempts to take Snow White's heart. Snow White fought back and emphatically tells Ravenna, "You cannot have my heart." And those words struck me. I've been pondering them since.

As a little girl, I remember overhearing my grandparents discussing me from time to time.They would sit together in the predawn hours in the kitchen, and over coffee, they would spill forth the contents of their life. I remember a couple of the phrases they used to describe me, although it wasn't until I was older that I understood their meanings. They were: Jadie suffers in silence, and she wears her heart on her sleeve.

These two characteristics seem to contradict each other, right? How can one be open with her emotions, yet remain silent? Yet, that was me, and in some ways, it still is...

I am very empathetic. Very. I hurt when others' hurt. If I see someone upset and crying, I find it hard to hold back my own tears (even if I don't even know the person). I wear my heart on my sleeve and share it freely. And by doing so, I put my heart out there and it has been trampled on. A lot. When it is all bruised and broken, I tend to withdraw. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I mask the hurt with faint smiles (although I know those closest to me can see the silent pain in my eyes). Sure, I may share some of my pain, but I have always had a tendency to never let my deepest betrayals be known. Silence.

I will continue to pray about all of this, but one thing I do know is that the only one who can have my heart is God. And, it is safe there. It is safe because the very peace of Christ guards it!

So, when my heart is where it belongs (with my True Love), I am free to love with His love. I am free to to give and not be worried about how it is received. I need not be concerned about rejection, for the only one I need has already accepted me and fought for me. And, even as I type these words, I know there is much work to be done {until my last breath}. But, I also know that this is so necessary, for I need to get out of the way, let go of the fear that hinders me, and be obedient. I need to love Him fully {heart, soul, mind}.

And what would our lives look like if we were no longer afraid of pain, suffering, rejection, failure, loneliness, death {fill-in-the-blank with whatever you are afraid of}? With God's help, I want to see. I want to live in that perfect love, His perfect love. And His love is the only love that casts out fear.