Technically my parents were married when I was born, but they divorced before my first birthday. I don't really remember a time without my grandparents; they were a constant source of stability in my life. I knew I had a dad, but he was almost nonexistent. I would see him on Christmas Eve. I can remember being traumatized as a little girl because at one particular holiday gathering with the paternal side of my family I couldn't remember which man was "Daddy Mike".
And growing up, I didn't feel the void. After all, I had my grandpa. Years went by and my dad remarried. He attempted, at the prompting of his new wife, to develop a relationship with my brother and I when we were preteens. I remember him addressing his absenteeism so nonchalantly, as he said, "I didn't want to complicate the matter. I didn't want it to be confusing. I thought you would be better off." And even at 12, I could see how flimsy those excuses were. I could see how it was complicated for him, and he thought he would be better off. I felt such sadness for him.
I would be lying if I said that this whole thing didn't negatively impact my life. It did. I have falsely projected my daddy issues onto God. I had trouble understanding His love, which is unconditional. I struggled with feeling accepted. But, through it all - through the wrestling with God and with my own heart - I have come to know of His grace. I have come to know what it means to be loved as a daughter. A daughter who is wanted.
We are all illegitimate, aren't we? But, God sent Jesus to redeem us, that we might be adopted as His. And not just adopted, but we are heirs and God is our Abba (Father). We don't have to try to earn God's favor (we can't). We don't have to worry that He will abandon us when it's complicated (He will NEVER leave us).
One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 68:5-6a: Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.
And, indeed He has placed me in families. On this Father's Day, I remember my grandfather, who went to heaven five years ago this week. I thank God for him and for all of the other Jesus-loving men who have helped encourage me and have had a profound impact on my life.
Moreover, today I am thankful for my Heavenly Father (more than words could ever express). My legacy is who I am in Him. With God's help, I will love others because God loved first. And, although imperfect, I will spill that grace daily because He lavished it unto me.
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