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Showing posts from March, 2013

Struggling to Love the Bride

It's Sunday around Noon. Normally, I would just be arriving home from church. Last week, I walked by myself around the corner to a service held in the Masonic lodge. Today, I had planned on walking past the lodge to a Baptist church across the street, but couldn't muster enough emotional energy to do so.

It's Sunday past Noon, and I am home. I am wearing pink pajama bottoms with penguins on them and a school t-shirt. I still have bed head and have not painted anything on my face to make myself more presentable.

Yep, it's the Sabbath. And I have iTunes and Spotify and Pandora. I can listen to hymns, gospel songs, contemporary worship music, even Mumford & Sons for that matter.

It's the Sabbath and I have the Internet. I can watch live services around the city, the country, around the world for that matter. I can pick my topic, pick my denomination.

Churches have become the new e-tailers. I will be the first to say that there is something missing with that formu…

Labor Pains

Twenty years ago, I was about to deliver my first child. I had already been in labor for 36 hours and in the hospital for 5 days. I was very sick with pre-eclampsia.

I remember at one point thinking that I wasn't sure if I would make it through. The labor pains kept coming and I was so very exhausted to the point of almost blacking out. I remember all of the people and the blinding lights and the nurses yelling at me to "push!"

And the process of birthing is all very messy. And painful. The pains of bearing a child never go away. They are just felt in the womb of the heart instead.

I felt them 5 days later when I brought him back to the hospital with a fever of 103 and an infection {from a prolonged labor}. There were inconsolable tears, lumbar punctures and bruised heels from blood draws and an IV in his head.

And my mother's heart has felt the pain of my boys' sicknesses, skinned knees, hurt feelings, wounded spirits, and the loss of loved ones.

And my mother&#…

In which I relate to Ecclesiastes

For Lent, I wanted to add something and not take something away.

I saw a challenge from Margaret Feinberg to read through the Bible. I thought that this was a great idea. The first two weeks I stayed the course, but eventually fell behind. Instead of completely giving up, however, I jumped back in. Today's reading included all of Ecclesiastes.

And all the "Meaningless! Meaningless!" resonated with me.

It wasn't but two or so weeks ago that I found myself  in the parked car in my driveway. Hiding in the dark, holding knees to chest and crying. Silently at first. Then, it all welled up and spilled out, this uncensored grief. "Shit! Everything is shit! And I can't take it anymore. I am so very tired of all of this shit!"

In that moment, that was all that I had. In that moment, I cried out to God and all I could offer was my brokenness wrapped in expletives.

It was raw. It was honest. And somehow, down deep, I know it meant more than all of the prayers I&#…