Philippians 4:7

My husband had asked for the last three days off from work. Originally, he had planned to spend a day shadowing a possible new job. This, however, didn't pan out. But, I tried to make the best of it. Our eighteenth anniversary is just around the corner, so I tried to squeeze in some extra time with him. We went out to eat one afternoon and did all of our errands. Then, last night {a school night even!} we went to see 'Snow White and the Huntsman'. We had both expressed interest in seeing it, which is a miracle in and of itself since we rarely agree on movies =)

Anyway, at the close of the movie (and in line with the fairy tale), the evil Queen Ravenna attempts to take Snow White's heart. Snow White fought back and emphatically tells Ravenna, "You cannot have my heart." And those words struck me. I've been pondering them since.

As a little girl, I remember overhearing my grandparents discussing me from time to time.They would sit together in the predawn hours in the kitchen, and over coffee, they would spill forth the contents of their life. I remember a couple of the phrases they used to describe me, although it wasn't until I was older that I understood their meanings. They were: Jadie suffers in silence, and she wears her heart on her sleeve.

These two characteristics seem to contradict each other, right? How can one be open with her emotions, yet remain silent? Yet, that was me, and in some ways, it still is...

I am very empathetic. Very. I hurt when others' hurt. If I see someone upset and crying, I find it hard to hold back my own tears (even if I don't even know the person). I wear my heart on my sleeve and share it freely. And by doing so, I put my heart out there and it has been trampled on. A lot. When it is all bruised and broken, I tend to withdraw. Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I mask the hurt with faint smiles (although I know those closest to me can see the silent pain in my eyes). Sure, I may share some of my pain, but I have always had a tendency to never let my deepest betrayals be known. Silence.

I will continue to pray about all of this, but one thing I do know is that the only one who can have my heart is God. And, it is safe there. It is safe because the very peace of Christ guards it!

So, when my heart is where it belongs (with my True Love), I am free to love with His love. I am free to to give and not be worried about how it is received. I need not be concerned about rejection, for the only one I need has already accepted me and fought for me. And, even as I type these words, I know there is much work to be done {until my last breath}. But, I also know that this is so necessary, for I need to get out of the way, let go of the fear that hinders me, and be obedient. I need to love Him fully {heart, soul, mind}.

And what would our lives look like if we were no longer afraid of pain, suffering, rejection, failure, loneliness, death {fill-in-the-blank with whatever you are afraid of}? With God's help, I want to see. I want to live in that perfect love, His perfect love. And His love is the only love that casts out fear.