Starting Over

I am somewhat of an enigma in that I can be very spontaneous and outgoing, but at my core I cherish consistency. I went back to this post early this morning.

I needed to reread it to remind myself that over 6 months ago I vowed to trust God with where He was leading me. He has led, and I have followed. His Word is full of His promises repeating over and over again. And I need to hear them over and over again because the voices from my past tend to want to drown them out - voices of careless Christians who damaged me. After all, I had enough issues accepting God's grace at first. I didn't need others to solidify the sentiment that I was worthless. I know that God used the ugly in all those situations to cause growth in my life. For that, I am grateful. 

I remember a few years ago, sitting in a meeting of another church where the pastor, upon trying to impress new members, had asked the current members what brought them to this particular church and what kept them there. Every single person answered with a variation of "people and programs" and after the initial shock wore off, I was so disappointed. Sure, people and programs may initially bring someone to a church, but that shouldn't be the reason to stay. People and programs change. There has to be something more, right? The response I kept waiting for was, "God brought me to this church. I was called here at this specific time and for a purpose."

So, I have been trying to put myself out there {which is always hard for me}. I have tried to get to know people, and I have tried to attend different studies. And I know it will take time, because in many respects, it is like starting over. Yesterday, I walked into the sanctuary a few minutes before church. I looked around and didn't see anyone I knew. I think I actually started to panic {I realize that sounds ridiculous, but it's true}. I turned around and walked outside. I pretended to read the bulletin board as I seriously considered leaving. Leaving is always easy, but a breath prayer later and I had turned around and found an empty pew in the back. Then, there it was in the sermon: We aren't perfect. Yes, we have problems, but we address them. We are family. So it is with the communion of the broken. And something in me is relieved at the open acknowledgement for the overwhelming need for grace.

And it's not about people or programs. I am here for a reason. It will take time, this starting over. But, as long as I have breath, this is my call: to be obedient wherever He leads. And all of those ugly experiences of my past have helped me to see the incomparable beauty in the following, in the act of obedience {even when my initial response feels uncertain}. 

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7