Heartstrings

I have been here before. I stop, because I dare not repeat it {aren't we supposed to learn from our past?}. We remember, lest we forget. I desperately want my response to be different.I tell the voice that plays the broken record of discouraging scenarios to be silent. I'd shout it all mute if I could. And, it is better. This unknown hasn't undone me. I won't fret. Blessed be the name of the Lord....Still I will say, blessed be your name...You give and take away. And hasn't He given me everything? Every good gift given from Him. He is faithful. Whatever happens, wherever I end up next year, it is in His hands. And I beg weak flesh to trust and remember all of the trusting of the past - All the ways He has proven himself {not that I even deserve that kind of proof}- because He loves me. Completely. Irrevocably.

And I give Him my heartstrings because He has always carried them anyway, and this feeble heart of mine. I believe, I believe, please help my unbelief. Because sometimes we don't understand the "Why?" this side of heaven, but I understand who holds my heart {and that brings such an overwhelming sense of peace}.

            ~          ~          ~          ~

Weary heart so destroyed it shouldn’t beat
It seems whole until shadows change, displaying thousands of scars
All different shapes and sizes; a roadmap of past sorrows laid bare
I trace them remembering, thankful for piercing needle and suture
I am hemorrhaging again, sucking in sharp breath through pain
A pain that deceives healed wounds that time alone could not heal
I alone could not heal
It seems selfish to ask in light of what He has already given
But once again I rip out this heart that has betrayed me
With fallen earth and sordid transgressions
And once again He willingly takes my scarred heart, mangled, bleeding
Handling the damaged flesh like it means something more
With gentle hands that numb the anguish, He grafts over brokenness
The unbearable pain becomes a dull ache that continues to fade
By grace, it beats

Roads Part 2

Okay, so the more complicated part always has to do with the relationships. Looking through my Bible tonight, I found many verses on the topic of friendship from the importance of friendship (iron sharpens iron, a friend to pick you up when you fall, and to receive wise council from) to warnings about imprudent friendships (don't make friends with an angry man lest you follow his ways) and everything in between. 


I view relationships as a gift. It would be harder to walk through this journey without friendship, especially the dark, shadowy valley places. Yet, these too are always changing. And it is hard. I have lived enough years to see it. People move, people change jobs, change churches - people just change. People you would never fathom being without slowly drift away until they are just a friend on Facebook whom you wish a happy birthday to, or possibly comment on big life events. There wasn't a falling out, and you remember your friendship fondly, but they aren't a part of your life any longer. And that change can be hard to wrap your heart around. 


There are the rare "lifers", though. The friends who remain constant, even if there is a lull in communication, even if thousands of miles separate you. I am truly thankful for these special bonds. I left my last church in March of 2011 and I changed jobs in July of 2011. I have felt the drifting. I have felt the loneliness that accompanies it. Somehow it is difficult to not take it all personally (like I am not worth it or something). And I am reminded not to hold onto anything or anyone too tightly because sometimes even those we expect to be with us for the long haul, aren't. Spouses leave, children grow up, family members sever ties, people die...I have experienced all of these things...Loving is risky, but not loving is even riskier. I have always liked this quote by C.S. Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I am traveling down some new roads. And it can be daunting, this putting myself out there and being vulnerable. But, I know I have to, and so I am trying to care for the budding new relationships that are forming while also loving those who may or may not continue to drift away. And my desire, even though I fail often, is to always be kind and shine the light of Jesus to everyone I encounter. 


And it is worth it. No matter what, there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother....Jesus! Oh, what a friend, indeed. 

Roads...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Robert Frost's well-known poem "The Road Not Taken" begins "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood..." And I often feel that I am there, standing, and trying to discern which path to follow. Sometimes I know where I need to go; I am surefooted and confident. Other times I am indecisive. I stumble down my best guess and lean on God's promise that says He will guide me always. And as I ponder this, I am taken aback {here's the part where I feebly attempt to put into words what is in my heart}.

God is always with me. My journey isn't a surprise to him. I've wandered down roads that I shouldn't have, yet God doesn't abandon me. He knows all the roads, since He goes before me. He will use them, anyway.

Last week, I told a friend that sometimes we have to walk to the end of an undesirable road to gain what we will need to finish the journey that God will call us to walk. And these are the places that stretch us. This is where we experience severe growing pains without which we would be stunted.

There have been times in my own life that I have lamented the road. I have felt utterly abandoned. I have played the martyr role all too well. Surely, I was the victim in all of this, right? But, God's thoughts and ways are not my own (hallelujah!). For it was struggling through these things that have caused my faith to grow. It was the reflecting back to what was birthed from the pain that helped it make sense (as much sense that can be had this side of heaven, anyway).

And this post is much different than I had planned, but this is it for now. So, stay tuned for Roads Part 2 =)

I have a baby shower and a birthday party to attend. A new birth, a new year....Newness...Merciful newness!

"Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.  It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." Isaiah 43:18-19 

Who I Am

I have been thinking about this post for quite awhile. I figured it was time to try to get it out of my head (too many things are stuck in there anyway :) 

I was never very comfortable with myself growing up. Painfully shy, I remember trying to always fit in but never quite succeeding. I had big glasses, knock-off jelly shoes (or whatever was trendy) and a weird name. Oh, how I wanted my name to be something popular and normal, like Jessica or Jennifer. 

Spending an entire childhood trying to fit in leads to an overall pathetic self-esteem. High School was slightly better. By the time I was sixteen, I had a job and a boyfriend. People made plans for after high school, but not me. Looking back, I know I feared the unknown and looming sense of failure. Ten months later, I would become a mother, and a year after that, a wife. All this before I was even 20. And, I tried my best. In my brokenness, I tried to make everything whole. 

When I came back to Christ, I began a long journey - a journey of figuring out who I am in Him (which still continues today). All of the past hurts I'd hidden deep, the guilt, and feelings of inadequacy plagued me. I spent a lot of my early and mid-twenties avoiding the real issue. Instead, I dyed my hair every color imaginable. I pierced my nose and eyebrow. I got tattoos. But, much to my disappointment, all of these superficial things never changed me on the inside. It was exhausting carrying around the weight of feeling like I was a huge failure. During this time my husband left me (we were separated for eight months). Slowly, I would begin to heal. Slowly, I would begin to trust God. Slowly, I would begin to see glimpses of the woman God intended me to be. And, scripture began to stitch my heart-wounds closed. 

I remember that pit I was pulled from. And, sometimes we need to be reminded. Sometimes, like Peter, I shift my eyes ever so slightly off of Jesus and begin to sink again. There is this song I have been hearing lately by Jason Gray called Remind Me Who I Am. I love the lyrics. Probably because I can so easily relate to them. 

"When I lose my way, and I forget my name, remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, is who I don’t wanna be, remind me who I am. In the loneliest places, when I can’t remember what grace is. Tell me once again who I am to you. Who I am to you. Tell me lest I forget who I am to you. That I belong to you." 

And in the simplest terms, who I am is His. I am His. Regardless of what other people think of me, or what I think of myself at times, I am His beloved. And I am in awe of this love that bled out on a cross. A love that was lavished on a wretched sinner. And my biological father may have left before a single candle was placed on a cake, but my Heavenly Father adopted me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. I. AM. HIS. Nothing can ever separate me from His love. 

And His love, friends, is amazing.  

When White-Out Won't Work

A little allegory on a Friday night...

I am at a new school site this year. I have spent a considerable amount of  time going through the workroom in an attempt to organize and create space for supplies. While doing so, I have found a plethora of items. And, incidentally, enough paperclips to fashion a wedding gown (as a dear co-worker has said). 

Some of the items were pulled out from the depths of the drawers and cabinets could no longer be used, like dried out markers and the such. This week, I went into the workroom to get a bottle of white-out. The bottle was unopened. I removed the packaging, shook it, and unscrewed the lid. As I began to cover up the errors in a schedule, I noticed that the white-out was not gliding over the paper. Instead, it was gloppy and making a bigger mess. I went to the workroom in search for another bottle of correction fluid. The second bottle was completely dried out and useless. 

I ended up ordering a few new bottles of white-out and some correction tape as well. The next day, when I was unpacking the supply boxes, I happily gave the ladies in the office a new correction tape {It is the little things, people}. 

So, it came time to break in the correction tape. It worked. It covered the blemish easily and completely. And my mind went straight to grace. 

We all fall short; none are perfect. We all are blemished. During the Old Covenant, God's people were instructed to atone for their sins by sacrificing an unblemished animal. We could never do it on our own. We are like the gloppy white-out incapable of covering the error (sin). And, it would never be whole because we needed saving; we needed a Savior to be the atonement for our sins. And because of our Redeemer, our sins are covered. When we repent and confess our sins, they are blotted out. How wonderful! AMAZING! 

And, as I covered over the blemishes on paper, this song came to mind: 

White as snow, white as snow

Though my sins were as scarlet

Lord, I know, Lord, I know

That I'm clean and forgiven

Through the power of Your blood

Through the wonder of Your love

Through faith in You

I know that I can be

White as snow

And I could go on, but for tonight, I will stop here with this: 

{Ephesians 1:7-8} Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! 

On Forgiveness...

Forgiveness. It is something in which we all have grappled. Sometimes we are the ones requesting to be forgiven; other times we are the ones granting forgiveness (even when it isn't asked for...). I began thinking about forgiveness this blustery afternoon after it was the topic of today's sermon. I was reminded of the time I led a two-part study on The Hiding Place (Corrie Ten Boom). The first part lent itself to the topics of evil and faith's response to social injustice. The concluding portion, however, couldn't have been on any other topic than forgiveness. I remember sitting with it for a long while, this concept of forgiveness that can be so arduous, so convoluted. So I thought I would share some of my notes/reflection questions from that study. For those of you so inclined, read on :-)


Sometimes things that we think warrant forgiveness (or we demand it), really just need grace extended instead. We can look at the intent and if there isn't a malicious motive, then we should excuse it and move on so bitterness isn't allowed to take hold of our hearts. Scripture instructs us to love one another deeply, for love covers a multitude of sins. Unfortunately, those who have been forgiven can be some of the worst grudge-holders. When we hold onto our hurt and refuse to forgive, we imprison ourselves. Corrie stated, “Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.”


The Cross can never be undone. Jesus paid the ransom. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Believe me, beloved, if the Son sets you free, you are FREE indeed. And what a sweet gift, this grace of blessed assurance. As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us. 


Forgiveness is an act of obedience that cannot be done in the flesh. Also, forgiveness doesn't always mean restoration of a relationship. The most obvious example of this is in relationships where there is some type of abuse occurring. And, part of extending the lifeline of grace is holding someone accountable. Choosing to remove the actions of sin off of someone is like cutting off a growth. True reconciliation requires confrontation. 


Questions for Reflection


1. What does God's Word say about forgiveness? Please read Colossians 3:12-13 and Matthew 6:14-16. Why is forgiveness difficult; why is it so important for us to forgive others and even ourselves?


2.  How does forgiveness equal freedom? How are we imprisoned when we choose not to forgive? What does that look like in our lives?


3. Do you think forgiveness is a one time event or more of a process?


4. Corrie Ten Boom wrote, "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart." Can you forgive someone and still harbor feeling of anger or resentment? How can your heart change? 


5. Is it harder to forgive someone who chooses not to ask for forgiveness or say "I'm sorry"? 


6. Do you think forgiveness is costly? Explain (Hint: think of the Cross). 


7. Is there anyone you need to forgive? Is there anyone you need to ask to forgive you? What is stopping you? 


And, if by chance you are reading this blog and want to know more about forgiveness and a relationship with Jesus, please ask! 

Turning...

It is 10:38pm on a normal weekday night. I am tired, but also fidgety (an odd combination, I know). Instead of inevitably tossing and turning, I have been listening to hymns and reflecting on God's goodness and grace in my life. And we remember, lest we forget His benefits...

I remember going to church when I was a child. My mother would interpret for the deaf at Harvest. I remember the songs, the scripture, the falling in love with a Savior. Then church stopped. I'd still sing for awhile, but soon my song faded. And I don't know why it became dormant.

In tenth grade, I began sporadically attending church with a friend. I read the Bible and wore a cross pin on my sweater...I couldn't find my song. I went through the motions. I learned things, but my heart wasn't open.

After graduation, I became pregnant at 17, had a son at 18, and was married a year later to an unbeliever (after all, I was living like one myself). And I was absolutely miserable. Empty. Hopeless.

He is that Hound of heaven, though. When I was 21, I responded to His call. And, it wasn't effortless, nor was it easy. I got in the way. I vacillated between guilt and confusion. The guilt of my past sins weighed so heavily on my heart that I felt as if I couldn't be forgiven. But, after wrestling with this, God revealed His truth to my heart {Psalm 103}. I also couldn't understand why the seed from my youth didn't take root; what caused my soil to be rocky? But, like Saul, I , too, was called at a specific time (and His timing is perfect).

Today, by God's lavish grace, I know I am forgiven. I used to lament about the circumstances I felt were life-long consequences from rebellious sin, like being unequally yoked. But, when we turn from our waywardness back to Him with repentant hearts, well, there isn't anything He can't redeem. He is the Hound of heaven, after all. And, my story isn't finished {and neither is yours}. I still have daily reminders from that time. I pray for my husband's salvation. I pray for my children's faith. And ultimately, I trust in a God who loves them completely. So, we walk on, and when we stumble (when, not if), we can turn, be forgiven (1 John 1:9), and continue...Amazing GRACE!

In this season of Lent, as we move closer to the Cross, I find myself yearning to be at the foot. I ran across this prayer by Thomas à Kempis that I had written on a bookmark many years ago. It is my heart's prayer tonight:
Give us, O Lord, steadfast hearts that cannot be dragged down by false loves; give us courageous hearts that cannot be worn down by trouble; give us righteous hearts that cannot be side-tracked by unholy or unworthy goals. Give to us also, our Lord and God, understanding to know you, diligence to look for you, wisdom to recognize you, and a faithfulness that will bring us to see you face to face.

{And all of God's people said, "Amen!"}