Turning...

It is 10:38pm on a normal weekday night. I am tired, but also fidgety (an odd combination, I know). Instead of inevitably tossing and turning, I have been listening to hymns and reflecting on God's goodness and grace in my life. And we remember, lest we forget His benefits...

I remember going to church when I was a child. My mother would interpret for the deaf at Harvest. I remember the songs, the scripture, the falling in love with a Savior. Then church stopped. I'd still sing for awhile, but soon my song faded. And I don't know why it became dormant.

In tenth grade, I began sporadically attending church with a friend. I read the Bible and wore a cross pin on my sweater...I couldn't find my song. I went through the motions. I learned things, but my heart wasn't open.

After graduation, I became pregnant at 17, had a son at 18, and was married a year later to an unbeliever (after all, I was living like one myself). And I was absolutely miserable. Empty. Hopeless.

He is that Hound of heaven, though. When I was 21, I responded to His call. And, it wasn't effortless, nor was it easy. I got in the way. I vacillated between guilt and confusion. The guilt of my past sins weighed so heavily on my heart that I felt as if I couldn't be forgiven. But, after wrestling with this, God revealed His truth to my heart {Psalm 103}. I also couldn't understand why the seed from my youth didn't take root; what caused my soil to be rocky? But, like Saul, I , too, was called at a specific time (and His timing is perfect).

Today, by God's lavish grace, I know I am forgiven. I used to lament about the circumstances I felt were life-long consequences from rebellious sin, like being unequally yoked. But, when we turn from our waywardness back to Him with repentant hearts, well, there isn't anything He can't redeem. He is the Hound of heaven, after all. And, my story isn't finished {and neither is yours}. I still have daily reminders from that time. I pray for my husband's salvation. I pray for my children's faith. And ultimately, I trust in a God who loves them completely. So, we walk on, and when we stumble (when, not if), we can turn, be forgiven (1 John 1:9), and continue...Amazing GRACE!

In this season of Lent, as we move closer to the Cross, I find myself yearning to be at the foot. I ran across this prayer by Thomas à Kempis that I had written on a bookmark many years ago. It is my heart's prayer tonight:
Give us, O Lord, steadfast hearts that cannot be dragged down by false loves; give us courageous hearts that cannot be worn down by trouble; give us righteous hearts that cannot be side-tracked by unholy or unworthy goals. Give to us also, our Lord and God, understanding to know you, diligence to look for you, wisdom to recognize you, and a faithfulness that will bring us to see you face to face.

{And all of God's people said, "Amen!"}