Out of the Darkness

It's everything I had imagined it could be, but hoped it wouldn't. In my dreams it was a perfect day; the kind of day that is Hallmark commercial worthy. I am sucking on a candy cane with my earbuds in, hoping the music drowns everything else out.

My family puts the F-U-N in dysfunctional. It's almost as if special times bring out everyone's worst behavior.

And I am tired. I am tired of trying to be a peacekeeper. Tense relationships are still tense without Christ, and Christmas is no exception. Oh, and how the words cause wounds that will fester long after this day is over. The blame will linger for all of the hurts remembered.

It seems so dark, so hurtful. And the sun isn't shining today either. But the Light, the Light came into the darkness. The darkness of sin and of self. The darkness of a world so desperately in need. My family is in desperate need. So, I pray for the Light to eclipse the darkness in my home. And His light shines in my heart, even if it seems tiny. The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness; the darkness couldn't put it out {our promise from John 1:5}.

Christ has come. Nothing can ever undo that. Darkness doesn't win.

"The people walking in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." ~ Isaiah 9: 2, 6

Thank you, God, for sending your Son to save us.

Merry Christmas! 

When You Lose Sight of the Manger

It is Christmas Eve. I am sitting on my couch in the same pajamas I have had on since Friday night. And I miss my grandparents. I am lonely.

I am the only one who really celebrates Christmas in my house. A plea to put up the tree is met with a "You go ahead...have fun." No one wants to listen to Christmas music, so I resort to my earbuds. No one wants to bake, just eat the end results. No one cares that there aren't presents, because all they really want anyway is as much cash as I will give them. And no one has the desire or time for church.

And it all begins to diminish...

The images of happy families converging together to celebrate is so foreign to me. Somehow, it becomes about everything else. And I have never been able to live up to people's expectations. It is almost with a sense of apology that I will present small tokens to those I love, somehow fearful that they will miss the thought behind my second-hand gifts. But it's not about that at all.

And all of this (the grumpiness, the consumerism) has caused me to lose sight of what is truly important. The only gift that could ever matter is God's indescribable gift: Jesus. That is all. That is enough.

So, I draw my heart to the cradle and remember. I will do my best to love all of the bah humbugs in my life. I will cling to the holy. I will be thankful for all of my blessings. My boys are still breathing. I have a roof over my head that keeps out the rain. I have this moment.

I am going to take a scorching hot shower and wash all of it away. Then I will leave early for church to get a poinsettia for Bernice. She hasn't any family. I want her to know that she is thought of and never alone. Because, after all, that is the real message of Christmas, is it not?

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night, O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night, O night divine! 

The End

"God, it's the end of the world, and I'm still 15 minutes late." -Penny {Seeking A Friend for the End of the World}

Today I: went to work; made coffee; answered phones; answered questions; greeted co-workers, children, and families; drank coffee; sang Christmas tunes; ate chocolate; responded to emails; listened; responded to hurting children; prayed; did the chicken dance with excited first and second graders; pinned on birthday ribbons; wrote out Christmas cards for families with gift cards; handed out cards; received cards and Christmas goodies; gave out hugs; passed out mail; laughed; ate more chocolate; remembered to breathe deep and smile when I didn't feel like it; came home; hugged husband; hugged boy; went on errand; played with cats; started laundry; made dinner; lit candles; put on music; said "I love you"; read; blogged...

And it has been a good day. 

Some people believed that the end of the Mayan cycle meant that today would be the end of the world, or maybe the beginning of catastrophic events would commence. And there is so much hype surrounding this theory. Doomsday preppers and shows about the Apocalypse have been pervasive. Overall, I guess it just makes me sad that so many people are fearful. I actually had a few parents say they were keeping their children home because of the alleged prediction. They mentioned that their children were afraid. They were afraid. 

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord." Luke 2: 8-11

In the sending of a Savior, a reminder to not be afraid because there is joy for ALL because of He who was born to save us. 

And one day it will be our last. One day the time we have on this earth will come to an end. Yet, I am not afraid because I know that there is nothing that can separate me from God's love. 

This is the love that came down at Christmas time. This is the sacrificial love that bled out on a tree. This is what causes me to hold on {even when things of this world are scary. and horrible. and heart-wrenching}. 

Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus

I don't have anything profound to say. Really.

I was sick. I came into work late on Friday. I needed to handle a few time-sensitive tasks before returning home. I had not heard the news.

It came in an email from another secretary. I opened up the attached article. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief and bow it low.

Last night, the images of grief-stricken children and parents and an entire community left me undone. Prayers in the form of teardrops fell.

And they didn't stop for long. Today, while out running errands, my throat tightened upon seeing little ones with their parents. My thoughts went straight to those with longing arms and aching hearts.

And maybe I was just imagining it, but there seemed to be something different about today. Usually this close to Christmas, especially on a Saturday, there is a frenzy of activity that is generally characterized  by people behaving poorly {You know, the horn-honking, rude, impatient variety}. Today, however, people seemed to slow their pace. Smiles were exchanged. Just because. Overall, people seemed to be kind. {And I think: In light of everything, how can we be anything but kind to one another?}

And because the Light was sent into the darkness...And this is so dark.

And because we are broken, But God is close to the brokenhearted.

And because we can't understand or fathom...we hold on.

And there is sorrow now, but "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." {Revelation 21:4}

I light candles and let these words pierce my heart tonight:

Come, thou long expected Jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee. 

Israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

Born thy people to deliver,         

born a child and yet a King,

born to reign in us forever,         

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

By thine own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all sufficient merit,

raise us to thy glorious throne.