Lessons and Leaves

I’ve returned to this old, trusty blog to write about what I’ve been through the last two weeks; I never want to forget. 

Two weeks ago, on a typical weeknight, I came home from work, sat down to watch the Seahawks on Thursday Night Football, and a wall of exhaustion hit me. I looked at the clock, which read 6:00 PM on the dot. I then looked at my husband and told him I was going to lay down for a bit. The nest thing I remember was that it was morning, I was dizzy and couldn’t get out of bed. After being in bed for over 24 hours, I reassessed the situation, and I knew something was off. The next four days were a blur of ER, urgent care, and primary doctor visits. I felt so frustrated and dismissed. On Sunday, my left eye became red and sore. On Monday, I had developed my first blister. On Tuesday, back to the ER where this angel attending said, “We think you likely have Ramsay Hunt Syndrome.”  Finally, a diagnosis, An answer. 

I was sent on my way with a prescription for anti-viral meds and painkillers. It wasn’t enough, I had become so depleted over the last five days that I was back in the ER at 4 AM on Wednesday and that is where I remained for the next three days. ER holding room for a full day and then a room in isolation. 

During the worst of it, I couldn’t open my eye, tolerate any light, had facial weakness, and the pain was quite intense. I had infusions of meds three times a day and continued to sleep. I was sent home on Friday evening to finish my recovery at home with another week’s worth of anti-viral pills and meds targeted for nerve pain. 

It’s slow going. My eye, although much improved, is still sore and blurry. The blisters are starting to scab over, The nerve pain is still pretty consistent, but manageable with meds. I am still tired and not allowed to drive. I am trying my best to remain patient and positive. Healing takes time. 

And here’s the thing: this, most-likely, was all caused by stress. I was under enough stress from my life that a dormant zoster virus reactivated and attacked my facial and ocular nerves. The incredible thing was, I didn’t necessarily feel that stressed out. Looking back, I think it just had become my new baseline, which is ridiculous. 

I had been working extremely hard in therapy over the past few months to reprocess childhood trauma. It was simply the right time to do so; to reclaim my life and my past and my inner dialogue. But, in that, I know there was obviously vulnerability and a level of internal stress.

Then there’s the place I spend most of my time outside of home: work. I have been honest about the toll work has taken on me over the past few years, including the ever-increasing workload and the inability to feel caught up or on top of the unrealistic expectations. My high-level of commitment and care is rewarded with a high-level of stress, and if I am being perfectly honest, unhappiness. No amount of salsa gardens or book clubs could have prevented this. The weeks leading up to my illness, I found myself Googling things like: how to start a second career when you need health insurance and looking into my service credits. 

While I am on a this forced break, I am leaning into rest and figuring out how to move forward. There is one thing, however, I know without a doubt: I will NEVER again allow myself to let stress go unchecked and become so unwell. 

I will do what I need to do for me, unapologetically. I turn 50 in five weeks and I am determined to use this as reset and wake-up call. I am so thankful for the small things. To be home. People who love me. A hot shower. A good cup of coffee. Laughter. Music. Seasonal candles and decorations. God-willing, I will fully recover because there’s still so much more I want to accomplish in this precious life, so much more that I want to contribute. So much more love to give.