A New {School} Year’s Resolution

I have always loved the start of a new school year. The last few years haven’t held that same magic for me. I can pinpoint some specific reasons as to why this was, but overall I think it was more nuanced and complicated. 

I am someone who will give her all until there is almost nothing left. This can be especially problematic when there is an ever-increasing workload and not enough help. I have struggled with the four B’s (which is not a thing, I just made it up because I like alliteration): Burnout, Bitterness, Balance, and Boundaries. 

I would be on the verge of burnout, develop feelings of bitterness (which I felt guilty about) but wouldn’t implement appropriate balance and boundaries because how could I when the needs were so great? 

And so it went. This dysfunctional dance with a recurring chorus of demoralization. 

I was in such a bad space last year, that receiving the monthly wellness offering emails would trigger me. 

I have a renewed resolve, however, to find the magic again, to let things go, especially things I have absolutely no control over in the first place. I resolve to focus on my own wellness. 

I want to get back to the person I was BC (before Covid). I want to radiate positivity. I want to find the joy in all of it. I want to respond with love and kindness in every situation. I want to seek to understand and assume good intentions. I want to feel valued and seen and heard. Moreover, I want others to feel valued, supported, seen, and heard by me. 

I resolve to take deep breaths and lunch breaks. I resolve to ask for help and take mental health days if needed. I will be honest and not hide on the hard days. 

I resolve to remember that I have the ability to control how I respond to things. I will respond in ways which are helpful and productive instead of something like, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” (I know, it makes me sad, too, but I am being honest). 

I feel ready to go back, which hasn’t been the case in quite some time.  I feel ready to seek out the beautiful magic that happens when we work together for the good of everyone. I feel so ready to get up every day and feel excited again. 

It’s time.

 *tap, tap* Is this thing on? I guess Blogger is still up and running, which is good. I don’t think many people blog anymore, especially on Blogger. Maybe they have fancy websites, or they post influence-y TikToks, or vlogs, or actually write books. Who knows? But here I am. Coming back to what I know. 

Between August 2009 and September 2018, I published 139 blogs. I’d write consistently for awhile, then have large gaps. I was surprised to see that this last gap was almost five years. It was also a little disheartening to scroll through the titles and remember all the things I had felt so brave in sharing, are still, in many ways, things I still struggle with to this day. I poured myself into those posts. 

So, you may be wondering why have I decided to write #140. Because, simply, it’s time. It’s time to focus on doing the hard work. 

Although I am not Cheryl Strayed, and this is not my journey hiking the Pacific Crest Trail to find myself, I am currently sitting in an Airbnb in the mountains of Nothern California, 400 miles from home. You see, I have never really done anything alone. I’ve never lived alone. Never went away to college or done any traveling. My family began right out of high school. So when my time off was coming to an end, and I told my mister that I was feeling this strong pull to go somewhere solo, he fully supported me. 

In some ways, I feel more like Julia Robert’s character, Maggie, in Runaway Bride. She didn’t know how she liked her eggs. She always said her favorite was the same as her former fiancés. It’s time for me to figuratively figure out how I like my eggs (and strive to be the person I was created to be). 

I don’t have the best track record with follow-through. Maybe those things I previously let go of weren’t meant for me. All I know, with increasing clarity the older I get, is that more days are not promised and only the things done in love truly matter. 

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver

What, indeed?