A Fat Heart

It's a vacation day. I am listening to Mumford & Sons and various hymns. The mister is at work, the boy is next to me organizing his deck of Magic cards, and the youngest cat rests lazily nearby. I smile to myself at the simplicity of it all. 

I spent yesterday cleaning out the rest of my closet, getting rid of the clothes that no longer fit me. And, yes, this is a great thing, but it's hard. I felt like I was packing up my security blanket. In some regards, I think the extra weight has been like a security blanket for me. It was an outward representation of how I have always felt on the inside from a very young age, and which the world constantly echoes: "not good enough." And childhood abuse seemed to indelibly write "not good enough" on my very soul. 

It has taken me a very long time to get to this point, to get to a place where I have let grace have its way in my heart. A place where I stopped believing the lie. I still have a very long way to go, but this I know: Jesus is enough. And His enough can heal even the most broken. His enough can reach in to the very core and redeem the darkest of things. This I know. 

My worth is not a number on a scale or a number written on a tag inside the clothes I wear. I want my worth to be my life used to love. A life that seeks out the hurting and speaks truth in the face of all the lies. I hope that as I continue this process, my heart will always be fat. Very fat. 

"Even though some of you are pretty thin, you all have fat hearts, and that's what matters." ~ Fat Amy from the movie "Pitch Perfect"