Dark Night

I am in what could be described as a "dark night of the soul" so to speak. I guess it has been brewing, these questions in my heart. They aren't questions of God's Sovereignty; they're not questions of Salvation. Or grace. Rather, they are doubts about my adherence to a particular way, a specific denomination. And the fact that each one is so very certain of its own absolute truth {but even within most denominations there are enough variances to cause factions of said groups}. Yet, I am not. Herein lies my struggle.

Although, like I said, this has been brewing for some time, it all came to a head yesterday. I am reading through a book on Biblical womanhood by Rachel Held Evans. In the book were points of view from different religions and different religious movements. In a particular chapter, Martin Luther was quoted several times. Being as I am attending a Lutheran church at the moment, I was sort of caught off guard by the misogynistic tone of the following:

"The word and works of God is quite clear, that women were made either to be wives or prostitutes."

"Even though they grow weary and wear themselves out with child-bearing, it does not matter; let them go on bearing children till they die, that is what they are there for."

"God created Adam master and lord of living creatures, but Eve spoilt all, when she persuaded him to set himself above God's will. 'Tis you women, with your tricks and artifices, that lead men into error."

Super. 

And, for me, it all began to unravel. I felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. I began searching and  after a few hours I was very saddened by what I had read. I am not a historian nor a theologian, but the Luther I was encountering wasn't the "Father of the Reformation" that had been portrayed, but someone who, to me,  was a coward. Someone who sought refuge from nobles and strategically promoted the spread of Protestantism (the protester damning the protesting peasants for progress). This Luther was a loose cannon. This Luther, later in his life, wrote anti-Semitic rhetoric and hunted witches. 

For me, that is the point, I suppose, to all of this: Luther was just a man; Calvin was just a man; John Knox was just a man. All of the reformers were just men. Jesus was God-man.  

I need to seek Him. I need to follow Him. And it is hard to sort through all the dogma. It is hard when everyone is "right." Honestly, it all has left me feeling discouraged and somewhat duped. Why, after all, do we give such credence to adhere to the words of men?

But, in it all, I have Jesus. I have His words. I have the Holy Spirit. I have this promise: "Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you. Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord…" Jeremiah 29:12-14

{and that is where I am. It's not pretty, this wrestling through it, but I confident in a God who desires to lead His children, at all times, in all things.}

Tonight I don't know what I am, except His. That is enough. And maybe, just maybe, that is all I ever have to be.