Monday, July 23, 2012

A Stumbling Hope



Well, this post is a long time coming. And as much as I have always endeavored for my blog to be transparent and honest, this feels almost too vulnerable for me, but here it goes anyway {may God use it...}

I have had a desire to simplify. I have been going through and purging, donating, etc... Amid my books, I came across an activity I had my women's group complete a few years ago. On a piece of paper I had typed each person's name and the phrase "You make a difference by..." and everyone wrote an example of how that person made a difference in the lives of others. I looked at the responses written on my paper which included; walking with others, listening, providing encouragement, having a servant's heart, leading, opening your heart to help others learn/feel loved, and praying and being so intentional in all that you do.

It was the last statement scrawled across the paper that caused me to pause: being so intentional in all that you do. It was just ten hours earlier in church that I was listening to the message from 1 Peter. Be self-controlled and alert. When we fail, we put ourselves in danger. Behaviors that become addictive can erode our relationship with Jesus. The message was so relevant and probably not very popular with people who don't appreciate being called out. But I am glad for preaching that doesn't worry about offending. I think we need to be offended more. 
The homework was to identify people who live their faith intentionally. And I can be very intentional about some things. But, by looking at me you can see my struggle. I am not a closet alcoholic or narcotic drug user. My drug of choice? Food. I am an emotional eater.

I can pinpoint when it all began for me. A time where I felt unsafe. The years where I suffered silently because another chose to take my voice and so much more.

And, I wanted to shove it all down. I wanted to silence the pain that I couldn't even fully comprehend as a child. I wanted to fill the void that made me feel like I was worth absolutely nothing. But, I never could. I eventually found my voice. I eventually came to know God and His redeeming love. Those old habits, though, they are like a deceptive safety net.

Instead of clinging to the promises I know to be true, it is shockingly easy to succumb to old patterns. This 75 extra pounds I carry is a physical representation of how I really haven't trusted God completely. Not with everything. Not when I feel truly unsafe. I haven't been intentional with this area of my life. And I will not sugarcoat the fact that it hinders me and makes me feel ashamed {and somewhat worthless - and isn't that what I was battling to begin with?} And so it is with the flesh: a vicious cycle.

But, there is hope. There is always hope if we choose to go to the source of hope. And I have hope. As I was typing this, the words from "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross" played: love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all. 

My all. All that I am in Christ. 

He who began a good work in me and you will be faithful to complete it! I may stumble, but I will not fall, because I am upheld. And I know in my heart that He uses everything. Even the ugly, especially the ugly things in which He turns beautiful in His time. My life is nothing if not a testimony to that. 

No comments: