Doxology

So, yesterday was Pentecost Sunday. The sermon was on the Holy Spirit. One of the purposes (benefits) of the Spirit is to guide us. You see, there is this battle and many of us, when we are being completely honest, do not want to be led at all.

One point in the sermon that stood out to me was in regard to some of the old adages such as: "Just follow your heart", "Let your conscience be your guide", and "It can't be wrong if it feels so right". If we truly listened to those sayings, they could prove deadly {There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death. Proverbs 16:25}. And, I don't always trust my heart {For our of the heart come evil thoughts - murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. Matthew 15:19}.

And that is why we need to heed the Spirit and die to the flesh constantly {daily, hourly, each minute, every breath}. The flesh is an insidious master and it is far too ambitious not to get its way at any cost. And, sometimes it is so very subtle; It is a seemingly inconsequential shift that will ultimately lead us down a path steeped in self, in pride, in sin, in death. Sometimes it is a small rebellion in the heart that has catastrophic ramifications.

My eleven-year-old received an invitation to go to the beach. He was very excited. I found a swimsuit at the Goodwill and touched base with the mom. She assured me she had sunscreen. When I picked him up after six hours at the beach, I immediately saw that he had a bad burn. Come to find out, he didn't wear sunscreen, and he decided to take his shirt off. At the time, he was enjoying himself in the water. Later, however, the consequences would begin. Pain, fever, chills, nausea, followed by large blisters, more pain and itchiness. And all of this was so unnecessary.

I think this is what we do to ourselves, isn't it? We have access to the "sunscreen" but we refuse it {Don't tell me what to do....I know what's best}. We choose sin, we choose pain. And, all the while He waits for us to submit, to turn back to Him. And, even though He doesn't have to, He binds our wounds. And, that, dear friends, is a grace which none of us deserves {a grace that always fills me with a profound feeling of awe and such gratitude}.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them,  and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." Lamentations 3:19-22

Heartstrings

I have been here before. I stop, because I dare not repeat it {aren't we supposed to learn from our past?}. We remember, lest we forget. I desperately want my response to be different.I tell the voice that plays the broken record of discouraging scenarios to be silent. I'd shout it all mute if I could. And, it is better. This unknown hasn't undone me. I won't fret. Blessed be the name of the Lord....Still I will say, blessed be your name...You give and take away. And hasn't He given me everything? Every good gift given from Him. He is faithful. Whatever happens, wherever I end up next year, it is in His hands. And I beg weak flesh to trust and remember all of the trusting of the past - All the ways He has proven himself {not that I even deserve that kind of proof}- because He loves me. Completely. Irrevocably.

And I give Him my heartstrings because He has always carried them anyway, and this feeble heart of mine. I believe, I believe, please help my unbelief. Because sometimes we don't understand the "Why?" this side of heaven, but I understand who holds my heart {and that brings such an overwhelming sense of peace}.

            ~          ~          ~          ~

Weary heart so destroyed it shouldn’t beat
It seems whole until shadows change, displaying thousands of scars
All different shapes and sizes; a roadmap of past sorrows laid bare
I trace them remembering, thankful for piercing needle and suture
I am hemorrhaging again, sucking in sharp breath through pain
A pain that deceives healed wounds that time alone could not heal
I alone could not heal
It seems selfish to ask in light of what He has already given
But once again I rip out this heart that has betrayed me
With fallen earth and sordid transgressions
And once again He willingly takes my scarred heart, mangled, bleeding
Handling the damaged flesh like it means something more
With gentle hands that numb the anguish, He grafts over brokenness
The unbearable pain becomes a dull ache that continues to fade
By grace, it beats

Roads Part 2

Okay, so the more complicated part always has to do with the relationships. Looking through my Bible tonight, I found many verses on the topic of friendship from the importance of friendship (iron sharpens iron, a friend to pick you up when you fall, and to receive wise council from) to warnings about imprudent friendships (don't make friends with an angry man lest you follow his ways) and everything in between. 


I view relationships as a gift. It would be harder to walk through this journey without friendship, especially the dark, shadowy valley places. Yet, these too are always changing. And it is hard. I have lived enough years to see it. People move, people change jobs, change churches - people just change. People you would never fathom being without slowly drift away until they are just a friend on Facebook whom you wish a happy birthday to, or possibly comment on big life events. There wasn't a falling out, and you remember your friendship fondly, but they aren't a part of your life any longer. And that change can be hard to wrap your heart around. 


There are the rare "lifers", though. The friends who remain constant, even if there is a lull in communication, even if thousands of miles separate you. I am truly thankful for these special bonds. I left my last church in March of 2011 and I changed jobs in July of 2011. I have felt the drifting. I have felt the loneliness that accompanies it. Somehow it is difficult to not take it all personally (like I am not worth it or something). And I am reminded not to hold onto anything or anyone too tightly because sometimes even those we expect to be with us for the long haul, aren't. Spouses leave, children grow up, family members sever ties, people die...I have experienced all of these things...Loving is risky, but not loving is even riskier. I have always liked this quote by C.S. Lewis: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

I am traveling down some new roads. And it can be daunting, this putting myself out there and being vulnerable. But, I know I have to, and so I am trying to care for the budding new relationships that are forming while also loving those who may or may not continue to drift away. And my desire, even though I fail often, is to always be kind and shine the light of Jesus to everyone I encounter. 


And it is worth it. No matter what, there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother....Jesus! Oh, what a friend, indeed. 

Roads...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Robert Frost's well-known poem "The Road Not Taken" begins "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood..." And I often feel that I am there, standing, and trying to discern which path to follow. Sometimes I know where I need to go; I am surefooted and confident. Other times I am indecisive. I stumble down my best guess and lean on God's promise that says He will guide me always. And as I ponder this, I am taken aback {here's the part where I feebly attempt to put into words what is in my heart}.

God is always with me. My journey isn't a surprise to him. I've wandered down roads that I shouldn't have, yet God doesn't abandon me. He knows all the roads, since He goes before me. He will use them, anyway.

Last week, I told a friend that sometimes we have to walk to the end of an undesirable road to gain what we will need to finish the journey that God will call us to walk. And these are the places that stretch us. This is where we experience severe growing pains without which we would be stunted.

There have been times in my own life that I have lamented the road. I have felt utterly abandoned. I have played the martyr role all too well. Surely, I was the victim in all of this, right? But, God's thoughts and ways are not my own (hallelujah!). For it was struggling through these things that have caused my faith to grow. It was the reflecting back to what was birthed from the pain that helped it make sense (as much sense that can be had this side of heaven, anyway).

And this post is much different than I had planned, but this is it for now. So, stay tuned for Roads Part 2 =)

I have a baby shower and a birthday party to attend. A new birth, a new year....Newness...Merciful newness!

"Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new.  It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands." Isaiah 43:18-19