Fake it 'Till I Make It.

I feel unhappy even though I try extremely hard to not be. It's very unbecoming, wallowing in self-pity, but it's the truth (at least for tonight). Sure there are things to be happy about and things to be thankful for, but when I am tired it becomes far too easy. It is easy to allow bitterness, and dare I say anger, to take root in my heart.

Do people notice? Do they see that I show up to church when it's almost over, only because I have something to do afterwards? I attempt half-hearted smiles, but the sadness in my eyes is transparent. Or maybe I will respond with a funny quip, just to cover it up with a thin veil of humor. Why can't I be a better liar? Why do I have to wear my emotions on my sleeve? But it's alright, because people hardly ever pry. My bad acting is enough and as time goes on, I am perfecting the weak smile and one-liners.

There are even times that I don't even want to be around me. I get it. I really do.

A sweet friend called me this evening and shared a few paragraphs from a book she is reading (All I need is Jesus and a Good Pair of Jeans). It was about loneliness. To paraphrase, the author said that we all feel lonely. Some women desire solid girlfriends, others laughter and understanding. Some women want to take care of someone and be taken care of. Others desire a baby to love, while some just want a somewhat normal family. Sometimes we crave a mentor who will bring wisdom and empathy. Ultimately we want at least one person to completely 'get us'. We are made for relationships, and while the relationships we have are good, we are all broken.

They are not enough. Inevitably we will be let down, except by One. The One who made me and loves me, even when others give up on me or think I am unlovable.

And I know this too shall pass (eventually).
And I know that tomorrow is a new day (full of new mercies).
And I pray for grace and mercy (to change my heart).
And He goes before me into the unknown that is known to Him (Thankfully).
And His promises are true, even when I don't feel them (because I don't feel, but I will).

So, I continue to wait and go through the motions because that is all I know how to do at the moment. And that's okay, I suppose.