Tarnished Words

I have written several posts this past week. I reread my disjointed thoughts and jumbled emotions contained only by a flashing cursor -- to purge such thoughts from my mind and heart is cathartic to me; to type as I ponder and converse with God is a refuge in a world of chaos and busyness.


But these last posts weren't polished. In fact, they probably wouldn't even make sense to anyone but me. I second guess myself and my tarnished words. I deem them unworthy to post on my blog and letter by letter, line by line the words disappear until I close the page entirely.

The ironic thing is that my words will always be imperfect, because I am imperfect. So, over the last week I have sought to answer this question: Why do I keep a public blog?

Here are a few conclusions:

• It is a place I can be transparent. I am able to be real in my writing, imperfect prose and all. This is strangely freeing (the older I get, the less interested I am in donning masks to fit in).


• It helps me to sort through things - It is cathartic (and more productive than watching TV)!


• It enables me to share the things that God is showing me. Although, I do not necessarily write for an audience (I only have 9 followers and Amy is the only one who consistently comments on my blog), it is my prayer that if someone stumbles upon it, that they would be encouraged.
  

Ultimately, though, it really doesn't matter what I say. In the end it really doesn't matter at all what anyone says when held in stark contrast to people's deeds.

My grandma was always regaling me with old wives' tales and proverbial sayings when I was growing up. One that I heard quite often, besides 'Don't go out with wet hair or you'll catch a cold', was 'Actions speak louder than words'.

And I want it to be true in my life today. I want my actions to speak and point to the Father that has redeemed me, tarnished words and all.

When I wear a cross necklace it is like a banner that I am His to the lost world around me that is watching and looking to see what my actions are, and if they truly coincide with His. And I want them to. And sometimes I fail miserably. And I try again with His grace. And I give Him my imperfect offering.

And the clock is ticking and I mentally weigh what will be eaten by the rust and moths and I cringe. I pray that my heart would only be satisfied with things that have eternal ramifications. I want to do the things that He has purposed for me, and even though I repeatedly fall short, I know He is answering my prayers.

"Life is short and if you're looking for extension, you had best do well. 'Cause there's good deeds and then there's good intentions. They are as far apart as Heaven and Hell." Ben Harper

Picture of the collage "Rust and Moths" is by Richard Salley