Giving Up

Lately everything has seemed so overwhelming that I cannot articulate the enormity of it all and the weight of which makes me feel like I am drowning. It's in these times that I am so thankful that the Spirit intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Struggling. It is never pretty. Holding on makes me weary because I am not meant to carry this and I know this (why do we have to learn things the hard way?), but in the midst of everything it feels like if I were to let go of one thing I might unravel. Maybe that's exactly what God wants, for me to unravel so He can bind me up again.

I was a very quiet little girl. I kept most everything bottled up and that's where it stayed in the confines of my mind. I remember overhearing my grandparents talking about me one morning over coffee. I am not sure what prompted their discussion, but my grandfather said to my grandmother very matter-of- factly that "Our Jadie suffers in silence." And even at the age of nine, I knew he was right. What I didn't realize at the time was how much suffering was to come in the subsequent years of my childhood, or how this trait would become part of who I am. I perfected the weak smile accompanied with the response of 'fine.'

The tears that spill easily as of late remind me that it's OK to acknowledge I am hurting (even if I can't eloquently express why). I don't have to 'suffer in silence' or pretend, especially with God (He knows everything anyway and wants me to cast my cares unto him) and especially with those who genuinely love me (I am thankful to those whom I can share life's joys and sorrows with as we walk together as we were purposed).

So, I let go and ask Him to help me not take it back; it's too much to carry. I kneel at His feet and find solace because He knows the unspoken and the silence isn't awkward.

He is a good Father who knows what we need. Tonight, He gave me a verse from Exodus which states: The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. How amazing is that?

These words bring me comfort because I feel like I have been fighting all these battles and they have left me wounded, defeated. It is time to give up the fight and be still. I am praying about what this will look like, but in the meantime the very thought of being still before Him brings me incomparable peace. Tonight I rest in the shadow of His mighty wings.