Skip to main content

when you are done

This will probably read more like a quick update instead of my usual posts. It's been a while. I am not entirely sure when I last wrote, or what I wrote about. Probably Grace. Or thanksgiving. And I am sure there was certainly some angst woven somewhere in there. Maybe even a curse word or two.

I can be all about the angst. Sure, there is a time and place, but it's heavy, man. I mean, it's a lot for one person to carry. All. The, Time.

I think it is inherently good to be honest about areas of necessary growth. A huge area for me {although it can be a positive thing} is my emotions. They own me. I feel things deeply. For all the things. All. The. Time. This can be problematic when I have been wounded, or when my emotions are overspent on the same scenarios.

But, with the New Year we ventured back out into the pews or chairs. Among the old and the new. Heavy with liturgy or twinkling with lights under purposely exposed ducts.

I began to feel like Edward Norton's Narrator in Fight Club. He kept going to different support groups to find meaning. Connection. I keep going to all these different churches. Always looking for connection and meaning, but ending up feeling tragically more lost.  

Nothing in these places of worship have changed. I have changed. My heart has finally accepted that we are all broken. There is something so freeing about letting go of all of the junk and looking ahead without any expectations. Expectations that could never be met by people. There is something to be said for sticking it out. Even when it is uncomfortable and difficult. Especially when it gets uncomfortably difficult.

This past Sunday was communion. My best friend's teenage son had not experienced  communion at a Lutheran church before. He was accustomed to walking up and taking the bread and grape juice. The rails and elements were foreign to him. When he was handed the wafer, he stared at it in his hand, not knowing what to do with it. I looked at him, pointed to the wafer, and then pointed to my mouth. **blinkblink** He stared at me quizzically. I whispered to him and he then ate the wafer {discovering the wine was a whole other thing}

This interaction stayed with me. It was me. It is all of us. Or it can be.

I was feeling so lost. Looking everywhere. But, when I looked down, there was Jesus.

And He was there the whole time. He was waiting. I hadn't known what to do, but it didn't matter. I had been carrying him around from place to place in my hand like that wafer, but He wanted me to receive Him. Again. And you know what? All of the heavy stuff I had been carrying around, like a shackled prisoner, just faded away.

I was ready to release it. I was ready to be done.


amy danielle said…
What an encouraging post, beautiful Jade. I can completely relate to all you described in those first few paragraphs- the angst, the emotions, all the feels all the time at all the things. Oh how I relate, truly I do.

It is freeing to discover Jesus is always with us, because I have been in the same quandary when I have spent so many years going from place to place and wishing and hoping and praying to be known, loved, understood... To find Jesus in the faces of my brothers and sisters and to feel confused when He felt absentee... And then discovering I need not look past my own heart.

It is freeing and hard all at once. I doubt we will be entirely free j til we are with Jesus. But the moments of clarity keep us going. Thank you for so coherently sharing your precious heart in the words here.

I love you fiercely.

Rồng Xương said…
Mụn rộp sinh dục là một trong những loại bệnh viêm đường sinh dục khá mở rộng hiện thời, nó được xếp nhóm bệnh xã hội, lây bệnh phần lớn qua đường tình dục. Một số trường hợp ít là lây truyền từ mẹ sang con, mắc nhiễm gián tiếp qua đồ dùng trung gian. Herpes được chia là 2 tuýp là tuýp 1 và tuýp 2. Tuýp 1 gây bệnh ở miệng, chân tay, mắt...Tuýp 2 là gây bệnh ở chức năng sinh dục. Hiện tượng của bệnh là ra đời một số nốt Mụn rộp, có chứa đầy nước, khu vực da xung quanh bị ứng đỏ, tập trung hầu hết ở bộ phận sinh dục và khu vực miệng, khoang miệng, má, cằm, bẹn, mông... Mụn rộp khả năng mọc thành từng mảng lớn, khi vỡ ra có thể gây viêm nhiễm loét, đau đớn cho người bệnh. Mụn rộp sinh dục hiện này chưa có thuốc đặc trị, do vậy việc khám chữa bệnh chủ yếu là chữa thay thế bằng các loại thuốc kháng sinh phù hợp tổng hợp với một vài loại thuốc bôi chống viêm nhiễm bên ngoài. Được coi là bệnh xã hội biến chứng, có tốc độ lây nhiễm cao lớn và mau chóng. Thành thử, mọi người hãy luôn phải cẩn trọng và nâng cao ý thức trong việc phòng tránh bệnh, để bảo vệ sức khỏe của chính bản thân và gia đình mình.

Popular posts from this blog


Shortly after the New Year, I took about a three week break from Facebook, deleting the app from my phone. I felt that it was in my best interest. As a whole, it made me feel wretched about myself (or bitter, or judgmental, or a slew of other negative emotions). Not to mention the amount of time I wasted.

It was hard at first, as most habits are, to break. But, as the days went on, it became easier, and I had more time to be engaged in the present. I was looking less at my phone for the red notifications. However, there were certain things I missed, such as seeing pictures of those that live far away, or sharing in others' happy news.

So, after some time, and after I felt like I had found some balance, I decided to log back in. It was the day after the inauguration and the day of the women's march. Two of my best friends and I went together. We joined about 5,000 others in Riverside. People of differing beliefs and backgrounds came together in solidarity, each person choosing …

Psalm 147:3

Weary heart so destroyed it shouldn’t beat
It seems whole until shadows change, displaying thousands of scars
All different shapes and sizes; a roadmap of past sorrow laid bare
I trace them remembering, thankful for piercing needle and suture
I am hemorrhaging again, sucking in sharp breath through pain
A pain that deceives healed wounds that time alone could not heal
I alone could not heal
It seems selfish to ask in light of what He has already given
But once again I rip out this heart that has betrayed me
With fallen earth and sordid transgressions
And once again He willingly takes my scarred heart, mangled, bleeding
Handling the damaged flesh like it means something more
With gentle hands that numb the anguish, He grafts over brokenness
The unbearable pain becomes a dull ache that continues to fade, like a scar
By grace, it beats
Linking this to imperfect prose today, because I am broken and in this Lenten season, I desire to focus on Jesus as my sole Redeemer.

Empty Frames

I have a penchant for vintage things. I am drawn to them - books, accessories, paintings, and so on. I read inscriptions in old books and wonder what that person was like, or who painted this picture (and why was it discarded)?

I have had this empty, old frame forever. It is painted gold and has beautiful carvings adorning it that have been chipped by age and carelessness. One of the corners is no longer flush.

But, I simply love it. It hangs over an old white cupboard that incidentally has chipped paint as well. My husband and boys don't understand why I have had an empty frame up for years; they think it is extremely weird.
In all actuality, it reminds me of hope. No doubt it once displayed a magnificent painting, but that was a different season. It now waits and hopes to be purposed again. In some ways, I feel like I have been stripped of the magnificent, soul-bare and I am, too, waiting.
Another one of my favorite pieces is just a small painting with an interesting frame.

When I …