Skip to main content

when you are done

This will probably read more like a quick update instead of my usual posts. It's been a while. I am not entirely sure when I last wrote, or what I wrote about. Probably Grace. Or thanksgiving. And I am sure there was certainly some angst woven somewhere in there. Maybe even a curse word or two.

I can be all about the angst. Sure, there is a time and place, but it's heavy, man. I mean, it's a lot for one person to carry. All. The, Time.

I think it is inherently good to be honest about areas of necessary growth. A huge area for me {although it can be a positive thing} is my emotions. They own me. I feel things deeply. For all the things. All. The. Time. This can be problematic when I have been wounded, or when my emotions are overspent on the same scenarios.

But, with the New Year we ventured back out into the pews or chairs. Among the old and the new. Heavy with liturgy or twinkling with lights under purposely exposed ducts.

I began to feel like Edward Norton's Narrator in Fight Club. He kept going to different support groups to find meaning. Connection. I keep going to all these different churches. Always looking for connection and meaning, but ending up feeling tragically more lost.  

Nothing in these places of worship have changed. I have changed. My heart has finally accepted that we are all broken. There is something so freeing about letting go of all of the junk and looking ahead without any expectations. Expectations that could never be met by people. There is something to be said for sticking it out. Even when it is uncomfortable and difficult. Especially when it gets uncomfortably difficult.

This past Sunday was communion. My best friend's teenage son had not experienced  communion at a Lutheran church before. He was accustomed to walking up and taking the bread and grape juice. The rails and elements were foreign to him. When he was handed the wafer, he stared at it in his hand, not knowing what to do with it. I looked at him, pointed to the wafer, and then pointed to my mouth. **blinkblink** He stared at me quizzically. I whispered to him and he then ate the wafer {discovering the wine was a whole other thing}

This interaction stayed with me. It was me. It is all of us. Or it can be.

I was feeling so lost. Looking everywhere. But, when I looked down, there was Jesus.

And He was there the whole time. He was waiting. I hadn't known what to do, but it didn't matter. I had been carrying him around from place to place in my hand like that wafer, but He wanted me to receive Him. Again. And you know what? All of the heavy stuff I had been carrying around, like a shackled prisoner, just faded away.

I was ready to release it. I was ready to be done.


Comments

amy danielle said…
What an encouraging post, beautiful Jade. I can completely relate to all you described in those first few paragraphs- the angst, the emotions, all the feels all the time at all the things. Oh how I relate, truly I do.

It is freeing to discover Jesus is always with us, because I have been in the same quandary when I have spent so many years going from place to place and wishing and hoping and praying to be known, loved, understood... To find Jesus in the faces of my brothers and sisters and to feel confused when He felt absentee... And then discovering I need not look past my own heart.

It is freeing and hard all at once. I doubt we will be entirely free j til we are with Jesus. But the moments of clarity keep us going. Thank you for so coherently sharing your precious heart in the words here.

I love you fiercely.

Amy

Popular posts from this blog

Reasons

Shortly after the New Year, I took about a three week break from Facebook, deleting the app from my phone. I felt that it was in my best interest. As a whole, it made me feel wretched about myself (or bitter, or judgmental, or a slew of other negative emotions). Not to mention the amount of time I wasted.

It was hard at first, as most habits are, to break. But, as the days went on, it became easier, and I had more time to be engaged in the present. I was looking less at my phone for the red notifications. However, there were certain things I missed, such as seeing pictures of those that live far away, or sharing in others' happy news.

So, after some time, and after I felt like I had found some balance, I decided to log back in. It was the day after the inauguration and the day of the women's march. Two of my best friends and I went together. We joined about 5,000 others in Riverside. People of differing beliefs and backgrounds came together in solidarity, each person choosing …

Burnt Autumn

It's the first Sunday of October. I am sitting on my bed, still in my pajamas, cat curled up in rumpled blankets next to me, and air conditioner whirring loudly, competing with the music that plays softly from my laptop.

I have a headache and woke up with allergies this morning. My head just feels somewhat foggy this morning, like my brain is still half asleep, but I digress.

It's 100 degrees at this very moment. When all I want is autumnal weather, we've been getting triple digits. I want to view the 10-day forecast and see 70's {okay, even low 80's would be acceptable}.

A couple of weeks ago we had a string of scorching days topping out at 108. One hundred eight! I remember having a discussion with coworkers about our lovely saucer magnolias outside our office which typically bloom in October. Their green leaves, instead of falling off before the blooms appear, were simply being burnt to a crispy brown.

I wondered how this would ultimately affect the magnolias. A…