Juxtaposition

I feel things. Deeply. I can get stuck in my head. Just me and my feelings. Hanging out for days, weeks. And what I am feeling, and therefore thinking, may or may not always be an accurate reflection of truth, but merely my skewed perception.

Recently, I was going through a rough time, a dry spiritual season so to speak. You see, I didn't feel God. At all. And for someone who relies far too heavily on her feelings, this was disastrously problematic. I wasn't really doing anything to address the situation, in fact, I think I was running from it altogether {I'm also pretty good at avoidance}.

Then Friday happened...

As I have reflected on what transpired, I first just have to say that I am blessed to work with a wise, godly man. He lives out his faith and leads with the sacrificial love of a true servant. He acts justly, loves mercy, and walks humbly (Micah 6:8). He extends grace and is calm and even-keeled. I just simply adore him and his heart for Jesus and for others. Anyway, we had the opportunity to take a book that our students had made for a sweet former colleague and sister in Christ who was recently sent home on hospice. I knew I wanted to go... somehow needed to go. I also knew that it would be difficult.

We almost left the book outside, leaning against the stucco wall, but the door had opened as we were starting to walk away. Even though the visit had been prearranged, our presence seemed to be a surprise. I offered to leave the book, as I heard the sound of the oxygen machine in the hallway, but we were invited in. Invited into the space between life and death. And it was hollowed ground. I was immediately overcome with emotion.

The book was shared with her, along with some handpicked Psalms. I prayed silently, wanting to hold it together (I didn't want to upset her by crying). I held her frail hand as we prayed for her. And then the most unexpected thing happened. This feeling girl who had lost her God-feelings felt enveloped by Him. Like, He had reached down to the very core of my soul and held me tight until I could feel His warmth. A burning deep within.

As we prepared to leave, we told her that she was loved. Loved by so many, but ultimately loved completely by Him.

And that was for me to hear as well.

You are loved completely by Me. Nothing, NOTHING can eradicate it. You are MINE.

{I remember. Thank you for being patient with my forgetfulness. Again.}

I walked outside into the bright sunlight, wiping tears from my eyes. Tears for the impending grief of her loved ones.

And the juxtaposition of mourning and rejoicing, like breathing.