Ugly and Hungry

It's Thanksgiving. I just returned last night from three days in San Diego. I had an incredible time, which I chronicled with status updates and mobile uploads. There is one picture, however, that you will not see, for it is only etched in my mind. Permanently.

Everywhere we went, there were masses of people: locals, tourists, and many homeless people. As I walked the streets of Old Town, taking in all of the sights and street vendors, my eyes were drawn down to the sidewalk. There was an older man, shrunken in statue, unshaven, and holding a torn piece of cardboard. On it he had written just three words: ugly and hungry. And my heart broke right there.

I wanted to stop. I wanted to sit down right next to him against the cracked adobe wall, take his hand, look him in the eye, and speak truth to his weathered heart. I wanted to tell him of God's love for him, a love that was given for all of us made ugly by sin. But, I didn't. I not only missed the opportunity to share with him about the Bread of Life, but I also missed the opportunity to give him food to satisfy his physical hunger.

My eyes drip liquid remorse in the remembering of it all. And I ask for forgiveness. And I ask for more opportunities to act instead of being paralyzed by not knowing how a situation will unfold. Because, it really doesn't matter as much as my obedience, does it? And on this Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for a God who is full of endless second chances - for a God who is able to redeem the ugly and hungry.

So, tonight, as I sit in the shelter of my home, I pray for that man. Tonight, I ask God to redeem the ugly parts of my heart and cause me to only truly hunger after him and his ways.

A Giving of Thanks...

During this month of November, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the posts from my friends on Facebook who have participated in the "30 Days of Thanksgiving" by posting something they are thankful for each day. It is so important to cultivate a spirit of gratitude in our hearts, just as it is equally important to ponder and remember what God has done in the past (lest we forget His favor and goodness).

Six months or so ago, I accepted a challenge to begin counting everyday gifts. This proved to be such a profound exercise in reshaping how I viewed day to day life with all its ups and downs. More importantly, however, was how I began to see God's unending care for me. In this process, I believe that my heart was opened in a new way. I was able to allow God into those areas of my heart that I had kept sealed shut because of fear and mistrust.

To give all thanks to God is where we find true joy in Him. It is not circumstantial. Let's face it, life is full of heart-wrenching things. There are some things that we will experience this side of heaven that will be so painful, the last thing we might feel like doing is giving thanks. These things - the things that I don't understand, the things that bring tears-hot, the things that leave me speechless, gasping for breath - I call the ugly beautiful.

The things I see as ugly, mournful, God will make beautiful in His time (To console those who mourn...To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Isaiah 61:3a). The things that seem harsh and hopeless will eventually be transformed (“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her.There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor [trouble] a door of hope." Hosea 2:14-15a).

So, here are some November entries from my gratitude journal:

Precious reminders and saying I love you (and meaning it)
Jaden Elliot - 11 years old today
Leaving work early on a Friday for a birthday celebration
Disneyland with the boys, my brother and my mom :)
Laughter and the making of memories
Car washes in the rain
Hands that mourn still being raised
God's Word and His promises
People being the hands and feet of Jesus
Not having to set the alarm
Slumber parties and silliness
The people that God has given me to walk with <3
Rain that washes away the impurities
The gift of my job - even working on the weekend (I love going to work each day)
Worship
A warm mug of coffee cupped by cold hands
The rustling of leaves on a blustery day
Receiving Rosetta Stone in the hopes of acquiring Espanol
Christmas music
Vacation and a time of renewal
Hearing Glenn and Gavin laughing and talking (even if they are keeping me up :)
This time of year
Time to read
Mushy text messages and feeling loved
My Bible study group
Packing for two days in San Diego with my mom
The rare quiet evening

And the ugly beautiful:

The loss of a child
Broken relationships that have yet to be reconciled
Selfishness that wounds others

What are you thankful for this day?

Of Loss and Hope and Things Eternal...

I don't think I could possibly express everything that is in my heart, or all the things that God is showing me -  teaching me - over the last two weeks. It was the morning of Halloween when I learned that a kindergartner at my school had passed away the previous Friday; she was in my friend's mother's class. It is of course extremely sad when a child dies. As a mother, it is something that is almost unfathomable.

Even though the little girl had gone through three prior heart surgeries, she was off all medication and thriving at school. She was, according to her teachers, a precocious child who loved to ask questions. Her death was completely unexpected, and the family did not have the resources for the funeral expenses. Immediately, the school community rallied support for the grieving family. From there, a car wash was planned by our supervisors, one of them who had lost her own son at the age of five. A newspaper article brought attention to the support efforts.

The day of the car wash, it rained. But, no amount of precipitation could dampen the overwhelming support from the community (school, district, and city). We only washed 10 cars, but raised approximately $4700 in three hours. Every day last week, we would receive more support from people sending in funds from all over the Inland Empire. I was truly humbled to witness such support for this family.

I attended the vigil. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I knew in my heart that I needed to be there. What I witnessed was such a powerful testimony to the hope that this family had. In the midst of their unimaginable loss, was an abiding hope. They knew without a doubt that this life, however long or short, is not the end for those who are in Christ Jesus. Even with my limited understanding of Spanish, the message of salvation through words, prayer, scripture, and song was powerful and Spirit-led; it is something I will never forget.

The next day at the graveyard service was more somber, reserved; even the skies remained cloudy. But, you could not mistake the hope - hope that comes from knowing the eternal God - that was tangible. As tears were shed and the casket lowered into the ground, the words from the scriptures pierced my heart-heavy with Jesus' promises.

I sat alone during church today. I cried, not because I was particularly sad, but moreover because I was overwhelmed with God's grace and mercy. As I sat in the midst of the Body of Christ, I was reminded that any of us at any given time can be experiencing severe heartache. Life on this earth can be hard, but that's just it...Why does my heart sometimes forget that this life is a blink of an eye compared to eternity? I was reminded of the scripture I included in the card I gave to Paola's family.

From Psalm 84:
How lovely is your dwelling place,

O LORD Almighty!
My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
Better is one day in your courts

than a thousand elsewhere...

I am still processing many things, but tonight I am so very thankful for:

Salvation (and the blessed assurance we have)

God's truth (and His promises fulfilled)

God's peace (that can bring comfort to those who mourn)

The extended Body of Christ (and the godly examples that surround me)

So, as I close, I ask that you remember this family in your prayers, but also please pray for all of the families who mourn tonight without hope.