Weekend Ponderings

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” ~Jane Austen

For those of you who know me, you know that I adore Jane Austen, I am sentimental to a fault, and I love people (even those who aren't so lovable). So, the above quote seemed apropos tonight.

It has been a very abnormal weekend for me. I haven't been feeling well, therefore, I didn't leave the house, Glenn was mostly gone, Jaden spent the night at a friend's house, and Gav was doing his own thing. It was quiet, which is sometimes welcome. But, this felt too quiet. Lonely.

I have a tendency to ponder things at length and become pensive. Don't get me wrong, I think taking time away from our busy schedules is a good thing. Sabbath rest and time for reflection is restorative in light of the hectic lives we lead; It is also completely necessary. But, this weekend I was grumpy. This weekend, I felt alone, disconnected.

I have felt differing degrees of disconnectedness ever since the schism. Trying to figure out relationships post-schism has been challenging to say the least. Some relationships ended abruptly, some faded away slowly, while others remain, although changed. And because I care so much about others (and those who are my friends - my brothers and sisters in Christ - my family), I wonder which ones will fade away. And, it has happened before, hasn't it? It is hard to keep up with people you no longer see consistently. I only have to peruse my Facebook friends to see the names of those I was once close to, but something happened, like a change of job, or church, or move, or whatever.

Earlier I googled "loss of fellowship" and I was caught off guard (convicted) by the results. Instead of showing pages about the loss of fellowship with believers, the results focused on the loss of fellowship with God. Indeed, how have I let all of this affect my relationship with God? Because deep down, although I hate to admit it, I know it has.

So, tonight, I give Him all of my nostalgia-infused heartache, and I remember everything is from Him, even all of the people He has given me to walk with for an appointed time. And, I learn once again to pry open my clenched hand, to not hold on too tightly, and to let go of everything preconceived that is weighing me down.

And, as I close out this quiet evening, I remember the scripture from yesterday from Psalm 68: A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing...

Because, sometimes I feel like I'm fatherless, or a widower, or prisoner in this place (this side of his holy dwelling), but I take comfort in knowing that God cares enough to create these surrogate families for us all. And once family, always family, right?