Being used...

So, I am in a funk. And in this state, I have been pondering things as I often do. Why is it so easy for me to feel completely defeated? I mean, seriously? Is it the longevity of this season; have I truly just given up? No, not really, but you might not know that by my behavior.

Am I tired? Sure, I am tired. I would even say that I am discouraged. It's hard to admit that I am having a hard time being thankful, but there you have it. I will even go further to say that in my flesh I am even jealous of others: their Christian spouses, financial security, homes, cars, careers, talents, vacations, Disneyland passes, you name it...(anything that makes me feel less than; worthless).

And I am virtually useless in this state save for grace. I realize that I am like Moses focusing on my "But I couldn't possibly" responses, when God is speaking to my spirit saying, "Yes, you will, because I have purposed you for this." And I am not exactly sure what "this" is, but I know exactly what it is not.

So, I am reminded that I am already victorious; it is in my weakness that His power is perfected, and I cry out for maranatha!

It doesn't matter how broken I am (and I am pretty broken). Jesus entered the brokenness to make whole (eventually). And I marvel at the thought of what could be if I truly focused on my response and trusted God with the details and outcome. Too often I let voices sabotage me by reminding me of all the ways in which I am less than. I accept defeat and failure as inevitable before I even attempt anything. My inaction isn't building up the kingdom, nor is it allowing God to be glorified in my life (ouch!).

So, I pray that my heart will continue to change. In this season, which has been such a season of loss for me, I desire to be used. I want to glorify God with everything. I want to know what it means to honestly say that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I want to be bold in my faith and open to the new things that God is calling me to, which are out of my comfort zone (that's for sure). And in all of this, we know that we are more than conquerors (standing on the truth in Romans 8 - such a powerful chapter!).

Amen and amen.