Lullaby

It's so interesting how certain things will remind me of a time long past and I am transported back to that event in my mind.

Tonight was one of those times. I was laying down, trying to fall asleep. The stickiness of the air coupled with the sound of crickets transported me back to my childhood bedroom. The memory of it is quite vivid.

It's summer. It's hot and humid. My grandparents didn't run the air conditioning at night. I try desperately to fall asleep. I am about eight years old. I turn over my feather pillow with the pink satin pillowcase as an attempt to cool off. I toss and turn and kick the flower-patterned sheets. Nothing is working. I know what I have to do, but I don't want to. I am scared. It is dark.

Reluctantly, I inch my way off the bed and slowly crack open the adjacent window. A slight breeze trickles in, but I am too afraid to notice. Who knows what could be lingering in the shadows?

I crawl back into bed, pulling the thin sheet over me, like somehow it was a layer of protection. I can't decide which is worse, the heat or my fear.

As I lay there, a song enters my head. It's a song I learned at church. I start singing it.

Father I adore you
I lay my life before you

How I love you

Jesus I adore you

I lay my life before you

How I love you

Spirit I adore you

I lay my life before you

How I love you

I remember that this song is repeated by others (like in a round) and although it is just me singing, I know without a doubt that I am not alone. Peace washes over me and I feel safe.

My heart swells at remembering that Jesus calmed the unfounded fears of this little girl with an (over) active imagination; and although what causes fear to rise up in me is very different than all those years ago, Jesus' response to me is not.

His perfect love casteth out fear and tonight He quiets me with his love as I relinquish the weight of it all (too much to name) to Him.

I prepare to drift off to sleep - safe in His arms.

An all-consuming lullaby rocks my soul to sleep.

The Exception

So, it's late and I am pretty tired, but I wanted to get these jumbled thoughts down. That being said, I apologize in advance if this post seems a little more disjointed than normal.

I don't think we focus enough on love, specifically God's love. Over and over again I am amazed at all of the ways in which God is so gracious to me, even while I am in the midst of hard things; Especially when I am in the midst of hard things.

I come across a scripture, or receive a kind word of encouragement or a selfless gesture from a friend. Today I heard something on the radio that struck me: Life is more than your everyday struggles.

We all face struggles of some sort on a daily basis. Some days I feel like it's a struggle from the very minute I open my eyes until I drift off to sleep at night. On those days, what am I doing to make a difference? On those day when I am a hot mess, how am I being the hands and feet of Jesus?

Lately, the prayer of my heart has been that I will be able to be others' centered in every area of my life. That I can hear God's nudging when He calls me to act and not make excuses. That I will trust Him when he calls me to plant a seed and I will not remain silent because I am fearful of how I am received.

In the movie, "He's Just Not That into You," one of the characters, Gigi, is desperately looking for love only to be told that in romance, she was the rule (not the exception). She was constantly dejected. At the end of the movie, this same guy falls in love with her and she then realizes that she was not the rule, but the exception after all.

We are exception, you see. We are the exception because of love. We are the exception because of grace. We are the exception because God loved us so much that He changed the rules and made a New Covenant with us.

Let us not treat others like the rule. Let us not be legalistic and hoard grace! It is not a mistake to lavish others with love, a love that is not ours to hold hostage or cheapen with rules that we create and deem important. It is not a mistake to respond with grace and to err so far on the side of grace that it costs us something to share it.

In a world of legality and demanding rules that confuse true love with ulterior motives and supplemental pages, how can we strip the excess away and return the focus solely back to Jesus and his transforming love?

I'm interested in your thoughts. So, share, why don't you?

Peace <3

Broken

As I was straightening up my living room this morning, I paused and looked at the worn, black guitar case resting against the wall. My sister had given it to me when I mentioned to her that even though I am not the most musically inclined person, I'd like to know how to play a few simple worship songs.

The guitar belonged to the father of her children. It was one of the only physical things that remained besides the two boys, now active toddlers.

When I first opened the case, I was disappointed to see that the face of the guitar was cracked and dented. It looked pretty damaged to me, broken. Come to find out he had attempted to beat the living daylights out of my sister with it, but was apparently so high that he ended up hitting the wall among other things.

He was broken. A product of the system. A statistic. He brought his brokenness to my sister and she became broken too.

We are all broken, really. Some of us are just a lot 'less broken' than others. Some of us have found healing from Jesus. Others perpetuate the cycle of brokenness and continue to break and fracture others because that is all they know. It grieves my heart to see people hurting when there is a remedy. I pray for the broken man who gave me two beautiful nephews. I pray for my sister to be completely healed.

I had my musician friend look at the guitar and he said the damage was cosmetic; it hadn't lost its ability to play music.

There is hope, my friends, for the broken and the lost. Don't write them off as hopeless. Pray for people you know. Jesus entered our brokenness and responded to it with The Cross.

Don't look at the cracks and dents of others' lives and assume that God's redeeming love doesn't have the ability to enable their lives to be a sweet song. His love is relentless; it is restorative!

He causes us to sing a new song! Who's joining the choir with me??

Enough

I have had a long day at work. Between all of the typical beginning of the year items, plus the construction and periods without a/c or power, suffice it to say it has been a little more hectic than normal.

I come home and I am tired. I am hot. I am slightly grumpy and all I want to do is sit and be, but I cannot. It is 4:30. Glenn is leaving for work and Jaden is hungry. He wants to know what we're having for dinner. That is a very good question. I don't want to think about it. I want to pick up the phone and order pizza.

But. I. can't.

You see, I don't have money for pizza. I have approximately $5 in my bank account to last until Friday.

It has been a very long season. Glenn has been unemployed for 20 months, just recently procuring a part-time, ill-paying job. The thing is, he wants to work, but full-time work is hard to come by these days. This has been extremely rough on our family.

Most days I'm fine, but I have to admit that sometimes I tire of the situation. Sometimes it's hard to see everyone around you enjoying summer to the fullest with vacations and frivolity. Not that I begrudge them of this, I just wish that we could have done something too. But, that's not my reality and I feel guilty for wanting such things in a season of loss, where basics come first.

So, I go to my kitchen and look in the mostly empty fridge. I have bacon and eggs. Breakfast for dinner it is. I am still not feeling it. I hate cooking bacon and the spattering bacon fat that pops and burns my arms. I serve my kids and then scramble an egg for me.

In the meantime, Jaden brings his plate in and says, "Thanks, mom, that was so good" and I am convicted...I need to be thankful!

Thankful for wonderful boys who don't complain much. Thankful that I was able to feed my boys tonight (not every mother can say that). Thankful for boys who aren't picky about the Goodwill clothes that have replaced the Target brand. Thankful for a selfless 17-year-old who watches his brother so his dad and I can work and offers us money from his part-time job when we need it. For health and friends and family and a God who has not abandoned us.

I am reminded of this passage from Matthew:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So, tonight I am reminded to walk out this faith of mine in a real way, not a cliche, and trust in a good God who has given me everything I need, but not everything I want. For this, I am glad.

I pray that my heart will remain teachable, so that I can gleam what God wants me to learn from this season.

For now, I know...

I have enough.

Psalm 147:3

Weary heart so destroyed it shouldn’t beat

It seems whole until shadows change, displaying thousands of scars

All different shapes and sizes; a roadmap of past sorrow laid bare

I trace them remembering, thankful for piercing needle and suture
I am hemorrhaging again, sucking in sharp breath through pain
A pain that deceives healed wounds that time alone could not heal
I alone could not heal
It seems selfish to ask in light of what He has already given
But once again I rip out this heart that has betrayed me
With fallen earth and sordid transgressions
And once again He willingly takes my scarred heart, mangled, bleeding
Handling the damaged flesh like it means something more
With gentle hands that numb the anguish, He grafts over brokenness
The unbearable pain becomes a dull ache that continues to fade, like a scar

By grace, it beats

Linking this to imperfect prose today, because I am broken and in this Lenten season, I desire to focus on Jesus as my sole Redeemer.

Life is Messy

Life is interesting, isn't it?

We experience such jubilant elation at times, but there is also dark periods of gut-wretching sorrow interspersed with the mind-numbing mundane.

I am contemplating how we are to truly live out this life together; how we are supposed walk with one another.

It is tempting to become self-sustained entities with our own routines and standards. It is tempting to keep ourselves closed off from the outside by not allowing others in. Why would I want to tarnish my image and invite others into my mess anyway? Unfortunately, this kind of mentality usually leads to people being unwilling to come alongside others as well; it becomes easier to make excuses than to act.

This isn't the way we are supposed to live out life.

When I think about what living out our lives looks like, some of the following examples come to mind:

Life is...

Answering a phone call at 2am. Dropping everything.

Wiping away tears. Sharing smiles. Giving surprises.

Listening. Praying. Encouraging.

Speaking. Admonishing.

Cleaning a house. Cleaning up vomit.

Giving a ride (or many).

Providing shelter. Providing comfort.

Cutting hair. Painting nails.

Watching children. Feeding dogs.

Drinking lattes. Doing ministry.

Cooking dinners. Giving shots.

Being vulnerable. Holding accountable.

Loving sacrificially...

How can you lavish love on someone today?

Choose to walk with someone more closely and see what a blessing it is to be the Body of Christ.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ~Romans 12:10

Life is Messy.

I'll bring the wipes.

My Way

** Disclaimer: I, in no way, am attempting to bash any particular church with this post. God has put this much-neglected topic on my heart to share and I am only being obedient. If you are offended, maybe you should be. God is. **

Division. It's the elephant in our sanctuaries that nobody likes to talk about, but this doesn't change the fact that it is real. It is a nasty by product of the flesh that, if left unchecked and unchallenged, will grow so big that it will cause irrevocable damage while grieving the very heart of God.

We, as Christians, are set apart. We are not supposed to conform to the ways of this world. We are not supposed to treat one another poorly and operate our churches like corporate America.

Jesus, in his prayer recorded in John 17, prayed that we would be one. Paul, in his epistles, reminded us about the importance of unity in the body and keeping the bond of peace (see Ephesians 4).

The harsh reality is that when there is division within a body, it gives Satan a foothold. And, from what I have experienced, this foothold is enough to unleash horrific travesties that are far reaching into the life of a body.

I did not grow up in the church; I only went sporadically as a child. It wasn't until I was 20 years old that I came to rededicate my life to Christ and attend church on a weekly basis.

Most churches, just like most families, look okay on the outside. It's only when you stick around awhile and see the inner workings of living out life together that things start to look amiss.

I think sometimes it is easy for us to ignore warnings in scripture, or to assume that the message doesn't pertain to me. This is both wrong and extremely dangerous.

Galatians 5:19-21 states:

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

It's easy to say that I am not a lustful whore sorceress who gets drunk at wild parties, but do you see the middle section in blue??

Those sins directly correlate to division in the church. No one is immune. I'm not insinuating that churches are perfect. How could they be? We live in a fallen world and churches are made up of imperfect people.

What I will be bold enough to say is that church leaders need to be in prayer and be diligent; don't ignore the elephant because it is uncomfortable. Church members need to be in prayer for the church and its leaders. We are called to speak the truth in love and in certain situations that is a hard thing to do, but necessary when you consider the alternative.

A dearly-loved pastor once preached a sermon about division. I remember being so taken aback on one of his illustrations: A church splitting over what shade of green to paint the sanctuary.

This couldn't be true I thought, but unfortunately I've come to experience that in some cases people create division over a lot less. And division has a way of spreading like poison. Before you know it, this poison has infiltrated every facet of the body.

When we are so focused on getting our way, whatever way that may be (paint color, music styles, meeting dates, and so on ad nauseum) we completely lose our focus on Jesus. We become impotent. We are so completely self-absorbed that we only care about winning our battles regardless of the casualties.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. ~ 1 Peter 4:8

Lord, help us to be a united people who are focused on You, for Your ways are not our ways. Let us be a people who love with Your love and extend grace instead of hoarding it. When we sin against you and contribute to division, trying to get our way like a tantrumming toddler, help us to quickly confess those sins and turn from wickedness. May everything we do and everything we say glorify You. Amen.

A Recipe of Sorts

It was a cool summer evening tonight; a rarity for August in Riverside. My mom sent me a text earlier in the evening asking if I wanted to use her 2-for-1 coupon for frozen yogurt (or fro yo as I like to call it).

So we made our way to the Plaza. During our evening, I asked if we could go to Borders. I love clearance sections. I was happily perusing the marked down stationary when I noticed my mother had meandered over to the clearance cookbooks. I have seen this scenario before. Inevitably she will purchase one or two. She must own three or four dozen by now. I, myself, have seen her purchase books, such as: Easy Crockpot Meals, Italian Appetizers, Desserts, and tonight's Paul Deen Cookbook.

Here's the thing. My mom does not cook. Not a lick.

Case in point. I remember when I was 8 or so and I was so ecstatic that my mom was cooking dinner. I lowered my head to look through the thick glass oven door. I remember being literally in awe as I watched the cheese bubbling. What was this culinary creation, you ask? Nachos. Yep, she took out a backing sheet, threw chips on it and covered them with cheddar cheese.

Now there is nothing inherently wrong with this; some women aren't gifted cooks. Many families survive on the convenient meals stores offer. In this season of my life, I am more apt to cook some pasta and italian sausage and smother it with canned spaghetti sauce than to craft a gourmet dinner from scratch. But, I am not out purchasing cookbooks by the droves either.

Here was the connection, or reminder that God gave me this evening: Just as owning countless cookbooks does not make someone a cook, nethier does owning a Bible make someone a genuine follower of Jesus.

Someone who wants to cook will need to have a recipe, the right ingredients and follow the exact instructions. Even then, sometimes the end product is not what we anticipated (maybe we forget an ingredient or a step; possibly overcook it). But, we try again in hopes of replicating the recipe.

Someone who wants to follow Jesus will need to accept him as Savior and follow his teachings. Even then, sometimes the end product is not what we anticipated (maybe we forget we live in a broken world; possibly overlook Him). But, because of grace we get a 'do over'.

I have a feeling there will be more for me to learn from this, but not tonight.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

It is my prayer that we aren't just collectors of the Word, but doers! (See James 1:22-24).