In that moment, I was so overcome with regrets and feelings of hurt and failure. There are going to be those moments, I think, where we just want to crumple all of it up and say to hell with it. And I think that is perfectly fine. At least it's perfectly honest.
And as long as I am being perfectly honest with myself, I also know that there is nothing I can do to change the past. It is what it is. I do not want to go back and relive the things I cannot change over and over again in my head. I've done that too often and it just robs your heart of peace and your life of precious time.
So where does that leave me? It leaves me with the here and now and the choices that are in the present. It leaves me with a God who loves me unconditionally and does not keep score of my mistakes. It leaves me with the assurance that even though I have to keep this paper filled with scribbles and tears and erasures that make up my life to this point, I do have the opportunity to open a new box of crayons. To add color to the lines and shadows, there lies the hope.
After all, it is everything on that paper that makes me the person I am today. I can't just throw it all away. There are no rough drafts in life. This is it. And some of it will feel shitty but life is a beautiful gift. I choose to remember that and will trust that in the end, it will be a masterpiece {even when I don't see His artistry in the shadowy places}.
So right about now, I'm picking up some sunshiny yellow...
**It has been a looooong time since I have written anything, friends. So this is it, after four and a half months, just a stream of thoughts quickly typed up, unpolished, but it's something. And I needed something today. Grace appreciated.
xo,
Jadie