A Beginning: My First Forty

It is hard having a friend who lives so very far away. It is even harder when that friend is in a deep valley. A few months ago, I received a package in the mail from my sweet friend Amy, who is going through her own valley. It was a book that she had said had helped her immensely: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

I looked at the cover and was intrigued, but I was having a hard time just getting through each day. So, it sat for some time, collecting dust, just as I was allowing my spirit to become dust-covered as well.

Days went on, and I felt like I couldn't breathe for the sheer weight of it all. I looked at the cover of the book one evening, and it read, "A dare to live fully right where you are". Something about that statement caught me off guard. Maybe because I had been going throught the motions and felt as if I truly hadn't been living. Not fully. So, I began reading, and although I am not finished yet, this is what was birthed:

From my journal:

My journey to one thousand gifts begins today. I am taking the challenge. I sense deep in my spirit that I need this more than I can fully understand. All I know is that this season - this harsh winter - has hardened my heart and soul. Somewhere I have sacrificed joy. I want to live out the life that God has for me. And I know that this isn't it, this looking for curses and being comsumed with fear and anxiety. So, I look to my Jesus and breathe and count...

1. A dare
2. Hymns that echo ancient truths
3. Light rain, cool  breeze and sun through clouds
4. New mercies each morning
5. More rain to wash away the impurities
6. Smiles from kind faces
7. Art with my studemts
8. Yummy lunch brought by co-workers
9. Turning our cable off (more time)
10. Cuddly babies
11. fulfilling a need - being a servant
12. Love given by a picked flower on his way home
13. Husband taking out trash
14. Time with Jaden - he's growing up so fast
15. The full moon resting upon the dark clouds - striking!
16. A pillow to rest my weary head
17. Birds singing their innnate praise
18. Blue skies and clean air
19. The privilege of working for a godly man of integrity
20. Breath prayers that refocus
21. Pandora at work
22. A card saying that I am amazing <3
23. Laughing with friends
24. Bible study
25. Fridays
26. Weekend plans with friends and fro yo
27. Hot coffee to combat sluggush mornings
28. Being tested - knowing God has a purpose for it all
29. All the ways in which people are being the hands and feet of Jesus to my family
30. A Christian office mate
31. Rejoicing with those who rejoice
32. Baby Mason, Joy's prayed-for gift, who is 28 weeks in utero and healthy- can't wait to meet him!
33. Grace and second chances
34. Being accepted and loved for me
35. Documentaries
36. A glimpse of seeing God at work, which  bolsters my hope
37. Glenn's paycheck that will allow me to buy groceries today
38. The verse of the day that reinforces this: Always be joyful. Never stop praying.
39. God sustaining Erinn, so now she can rest
40. Contentment in the chaos

So, I keep my eyes and heart open and count on...

When

When the world doesn't make sense. When it feels like a flood has swept through, taking the sacred low. When little boys cry over dead rats, lost dogs and a deep disdain for what is. And when a mama swallows her own tears, chokes them back for another time unseen, and hushes sad boy with words of comfort she only half-heartedly believes herself.

When uncertainty reigns. When the valley is relentless and there are no mountaintops in sight. When everything is heavy and hope diminished. When there are no words. When it feels like this weary soul can't breathe for it's all heavy. When words seems meaningless. When sleep won't come. When it feels like there is nothing because family reminds of the lacking. When finding joy is challenging like remembering parts of a dream almost forgotten.

When all of it is too much, she cries out to be rescued from the only One who could ever save her. When she feels like ashes are being heaped upon her, she waits for the beauty. When she feels like she has nothing, she clings to promises unbroken.