It seems in the depths it is hardest for me to write anything, to even speak of something so deep within for fear that if I do, I will open myself up and spill out till empty. But, I can't contain it, not even my best efforts have afforded me reprieve. Liquid hurt flows out cloaked in a sadness that has come before. So many questions swirl around my head and the only plausible answers to the unknowns is 'Trust".
So, I listen. I pray that I would not sin in my anger. I pray to love with Jesus' love, who would choose the Cross again for any one of us. I stumble, I entertain misgivings, and I surely feel as if I am about to choke. I can't speak it and it rises in my throat, and I ask God to at least let me breathe. I don't want to suffocate.
And I hear Him. For months He has been speaking to me through a song. I hear the lyrics, followed by a check of the Spirit. So, this morning, I hear it again, and I pause.
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...
And with a clarity that is sharper than just my wild imagination, I hear, "Go, my daughter" and it brings peace. You see, I have known I was going for some time, but with this knowledge came a foreboding sense of abandonment accompanied by a deep sense of loss.
He, in all of His mercy, has comforted me and given me the peace that passes understanding. I am comforted this morning. I can want nothing more for my life than to follow where the Lord leads. I'm about to shake the dust off and let go of it all, knowing I am not abandoned, knowing God has me (and all of us) in His hands. It's time for this girl to embrace adventure, because I sense God has a BIG adventure planned for me. And, I say, 'Bring it!'.
Thank you, dear friends, who walk with me and pray for me. xo.