Being used...

So, I am in a funk. And in this state, I have been pondering things as I often do. Why is it so easy for me to feel completely defeated? I mean, seriously? Is it the longevity of this season; have I truly just given up? No, not really, but you might not know that by my behavior.

Am I tired? Sure, I am tired. I would even say that I am discouraged. It's hard to admit that I am having a hard time being thankful, but there you have it. I will even go further to say that in my flesh I am even jealous of others: their Christian spouses, financial security, homes, cars, careers, talents, vacations, Disneyland passes, you name it...(anything that makes me feel less than; worthless).

And I am virtually useless in this state save for grace. I realize that I am like Moses focusing on my "But I couldn't possibly" responses, when God is speaking to my spirit saying, "Yes, you will, because I have purposed you for this." And I am not exactly sure what "this" is, but I know exactly what it is not.

So, I am reminded that I am already victorious; it is in my weakness that His power is perfected, and I cry out for maranatha!

It doesn't matter how broken I am (and I am pretty broken). Jesus entered the brokenness to make whole (eventually). And I marvel at the thought of what could be if I truly focused on my response and trusted God with the details and outcome. Too often I let voices sabotage me by reminding me of all the ways in which I am less than. I accept defeat and failure as inevitable before I even attempt anything. My inaction isn't building up the kingdom, nor is it allowing God to be glorified in my life (ouch!).

So, I pray that my heart will continue to change. In this season, which has been such a season of loss for me, I desire to be used. I want to glorify God with everything. I want to know what it means to honestly say that the joy of the Lord is my strength. I want to be bold in my faith and open to the new things that God is calling me to, which are out of my comfort zone (that's for sure). And in all of this, we know that we are more than conquerors (standing on the truth in Romans 8 - such a powerful chapter!).

Amen and amen.

Follow...

It seems in the depths it is hardest for me to write anything, to even speak of something so deep within for fear that if I do, I will open myself up and spill out till empty. But, I can't contain it, not even my best efforts have afforded me reprieve. Liquid hurt flows out cloaked in a sadness that has come before. So many questions swirl around my head and the only plausible answers to the unknowns is 'Trust".

So, I listen. I pray that I would not sin in my anger. I pray to love with Jesus' love, who would choose the Cross again for any one of us. I stumble, I entertain misgivings, and I surely feel as if I am about to choke. I can't speak it and it rises in my throat, and I ask God to at least let me breathe. I don't want to suffocate.

And I hear Him. For months He has been speaking to me through a song. I hear the lyrics, followed by a check of the Spirit. So, this morning, I hear it again, and I pause.

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...

And with a clarity that is sharper than just my wild imagination, I hear, "Go, my daughter" and it brings peace. You see, I have known I was going for some time, but with this knowledge came a foreboding sense of abandonment accompanied by a deep sense of loss.

He, in all of His mercy, has comforted me and given me the peace that passes understanding. I am comforted this morning. I can want nothing more for my life than to follow where the Lord leads. I'm about to shake the dust off and let go of it all, knowing I am not abandoned, knowing God has me (and all of us) in His hands. It's time for this girl to embrace adventure, because I sense God has a BIG adventure planned for me. And, I say, 'Bring it!'.

Thank you, dear friends, who walk with me and pray for me. xo.

Tomorrow

What of this day, in light of the thousands before?
I lean forward into tomorrow while all that is within me cries out for change, cries out to be more wholly His.
Each day I choke out the flesh that would suffocate me, cutting it out if need be, so I can take up the cross that beckons me follow.

And I follow into the unknown that is only known to Him. There faith is found intertwined with longing. A longing to follow the echoes that lead me toward His righteousness.

So, I lean not only into tomorrow, but into the hope that permeates the underlying melancholy.
And tonight, in the space between tomorrow and yesterday, I breathe deep until I remember I am alive and I bask in a love so complete that it undoes me.

Cheap Grace?

I spent some time in the Word this evening looking at grace/salvation. One of the best chunks of scripture on this topic, in my opinion, is Romans 6.

Since we're free in the freedom of God, can we do anything that comes to mind? Hardly. You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it's your last free act. But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits...I'm using this freedom language because it's easy to picture. You can readily recall, can't you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing—not caring about others, not caring about God—the worse your life became and the less freedom you had?

But now that you've found you don't have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master. (The Message)

I also spent some time in the Gospels and Epistles. It is far too late and involved to expound on this tonight, but in closing, I will say:

The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:23)

Everyone will have to give an account for their behavior on Judgment Day (Romans 14:12; Matthew 12:36)

God desires that no one shall perish (2 Peter 3:9) This is one of the main reasons that the idea of Election does not sit well with me

Grace through faith is a gift (Eph. 2:8) Salvation isn't earned, but...

Faith without works is dead (James 2:20) because

We will be known by our fruit (Matthew 7:20)

We are to work out our salvation with fear (reverence) and trembling (Philippians 2:12) We are to actively pursue obedience and sanctification

So, while grace is indeed amazing, let us not think of it in such a light that our hearts stagnate. Let us always be examining our lives for blemishes, so we can quickly confess our sins (1 John 1:9).

When you think of your how you live your life, do you think God would respond, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"?

Steps

Sometimes we aren't prepared. Sometimes unexpected things come and we can only sit back and watch, like mere spectators, as things spiral out of control. Sometimes we can barely utter a weak and desperate breath prayer as time seems to slow down while every painful detail and careless word is indelibly etched in our minds.

And this feels horrid. This sense of permanence in the fleeting moment (because who really knows what the next moment will hold except El Roi -the God who sees?).

He hears my breathless prayers from a breaking heart and even speaks through the pain. As the tears fall, I hear, "Give this time".

So, I choke back a sob and listen to the Keeper of Time, because hasn't everything been done in His perfect time? I think of Isaiah and I know that my thoughts are not His, nor are my ways. There is peace in this reminder.

Tonight, while watching a video with the youth, I learned something new. The southern steps to the Temple Mount are uneven. You can't just run up them casually. Those of you who know me know that I adore finding out about things like this and how they resonate with my heart.

Ecclesiastes 5:1 says to guard your steps when you go to the house of God.

Walking up to the House of God was to be done in time and with halted step and examining. Slow yourself. One step. Check your heart. Another step.

Some theologians even believe that the 15 long steps were meant for pause as the Psalms of Ascent (120-134) were sung. How amazingly beautiful.

I look forward to pondering all of this more, but for now, I am taking away some precious conclusions...

Our steps are not measured in this life, they are uneven (but determined by God). What a miraculous ability we have to approach the Throne of Grace (lest I forget how I am to approach). I was made to worship (at all times, in every season).

So, here I am, on an uneven landing, praising Him, and taking another step.

Sanctify

I sat in a dark room tonight, alone, eating a stale bowl of cereal with old milk, wondering how I got to this place. Head cloudy, chest full and heart aching. And I am so disappointed in myself.

Nothing seems to be going right and it is bothering me (which bothers me immensely). Being sick hasn't helped my disposition and I'm not handling things well. I'm over-emotional and find my joy fading as Glenn is unemployed once again and everything seems forced or strained. Communication. Relationships.

I feel misunderstood as I struggle with the bitterness that is welling up inside me.

And I can't bare it. And I cry out to be sustained. I long for a faith-response, even if met by silence because the silence seems suffocating as of late. A response that isn't based on my circumstances.

And I want to breathe. I want to live. To truly live a life set apart. And maybe to have that life set apart, everything must be stripped until it's just Him.

So if it's just You, my true Joy, which is more than I deserve, more than I need, then please hold me.

Winter Thaw

January 11, 2011. 1.11.11. Eleven days into the new year. Newness. Grace upon grace. A passing of old, an ushering in of all things new.

But what when old is stubborn? What if winter refuses to fade? What of newness then?

I reach out for grace and beg freeze to thaw. Beg life to spring forth from the barren. And it is relentless, this season that chastises and mocks me so. It illuminates the ice and all of the ways in which I need to grow. To grow with the Grace-giver guiding that I may cling tightly to Him in spite of freeze. Because of the freeze.

I ask for grace afresh as I remember that there are still things I can change...As I remember what is truly important. And I think to myself, 'not this'. Not most of the things that occupy my mind and keep me hostage, paralyzed to act.

And I am thankful tonight for the ways in which I am met here, in the wintertime. Thankful for the Grace-giver who never tires of mercies anew and the stretching in the ice. Thankful for the abundance of kindness and uplifting words (which I didn't realize how much I needed, until they were received). For rawness, for prayer, for rest that comes from sickness, for bread, for thinking of you texts and I miss you chats. For everything the Grace-giver knows I need, therefore will receive from his hands, both good and bad.

For...thaw.

Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me
Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me
Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me
Spirit of the Living God, fall afresh on me